9.30.2008

.02 Tuesday Two



Wow, say that 5 times fast. I can't believe its the end of September and I didn't do one, .02 Tuesday post. Better late than never.

It's hard being a Palin hater these days. I really can't stand this woman. I don't know if its the accent or her cluelessness but either way she is making me crazy. This is one time where I wish a woman would just look pretty and STFU.

In other news I think its pretty sad that I can't find one picture that I like of a Monopoly shoe piece. I did find out there is now a pink monopoly game, flip flop pieces and all. My favorite piece was the shoe. What was yours?

In regards to the below post yes #2 did happen to me. I know its hard for most of you to believe that men would post their penis's on CL but it happens. Not so fun when its your BF.

Last but not least in my last Tin Truths I said I have met Dennis Quaid and Billy Bob Thorton, and one of them was a tool. Drum roll please................The tool award goes too...... Billy Bob Thorton. Long story short I met him at The Continental Club here in Austin a few years back. He seriously looked like a homeless junkie. He was offended that he wasn't giving VIP service by the bartenders, which is a joke. Hello douche bag you are at The Continental Club. The conversation was worse, he could barely hold a conversation and mostly spoke of drugs. Huge let down. 

Side Note:Dennis Quaid on the other hand is very tall and hot as hell. 

Side Note 2: I do know that cluelessness is not a word.

9.29.2008

MIWLTF




Next time I will ask these 5 questions before I get in the sack

1. Are you a Scorpio?
2. Have you ever posted your penis on craigslist?
3. Are your hands warm or cold usually?
4. Are you on medication?
5. Do you like Pink?

Bottom line for a Taurus, Scorpio's are only good for one thing. I have the hands of a dead person, freakishly cold. However, because of my mom I am a strong believer in warm hands cold heart, cold hands warm heart. X had hands from hell, why don't we ever listen to our MOM's!

Side Note: The M in MIWLTF does not stand for MOM.........

Side Note 2: That gun is a Taurus, who would've thought!

9.28.2008

Sunday Reflections



I think it will be weeks before I have dry pillows at night, but my house is slowly but surely getting cleansed from X. There is something empowering about taking back your closet, and putting your bathroom back to pink. 

If I was any animal this weekend it was a bear! And I have to tell you a bear's life sucks. Eat, sleep, sleep, sleep, eat. Its no way to live, and no wonder they are grumpy. The older you get, the worse it gets when you are sick. At least by tomorrow I will be rested.

Last but not least I have a tip for all parents. If you want to spend more time with your tween/teen, just ground them. I actually like it when  my son is grounded. Chores get done, we cook together, have real conversations, play games etc. Pretty freaking sad I know. 

So yeah, my life is clearly interesting. How was your weekend?

Side Note: David Blaine is a fucking idiot!

9.26.2008

Because I can.



Side Note: NTR

9.25.2008

Tin Truths Ate



1. Out of sight, out of mind is soooo true
2. I don't like elvis
3. I can't live without lipgloss
4. I wish Mc Donald's would spread out the pickles on their cheeseburgers
5. If there were no sharks, I would learn to surf
6. If my cat meows again today, I might kill it
7. Skor is my favorite candy bar
8. I have met Billy Bob Thorton and Dennis Quaid
9. One of the above is a major tool
10. I really hope Gus Hansen makes it to the final table

Side Note: Thanks Homo! That Seal Maker is awesome!

9.24.2008

And you thought Sweckle was weird



So at 4:04 am I woke up in my bed and decided I was going to do a "Where is Waldo" post. But instead it would be "Where is JAG". For the next 5 hours I would wake up and for the short amount of time that I was lucid, I would have conversations with my brain about this post. At one point I had a full on dream with both angel jag and devil jag, which was pretty freaking weird.

The point of this post is that NYQUIL should be illegal. It has been years since I took this legal drug, and I am now convinced that this shouldn't be sold to Adults. 

There you have it my, WTF Wednesday.


9.23.2008

Tween Word of the Day #1


sweck*le
|╦łswekal|

adverb & adjective
to, toward, or from the side : [as adv. ] she tilted her body sweckle | [as adj.] he hurried toward the xbox without a sweckle glance.
  • [as adv. ] with one side facing forward : Mom you parked that car, sweckle.
  • so as to occupy a position at the same level as one previously held rather than be promoted or   demoted : [as adj. ] after the reshuffle there were sweckle moves for offense.

PHRASES
knock someone sweckle see knock .

9.22.2008

Someone Call BPS



yes for neglect its not like I am beating my blog or anything. I havent abandoned JAG I have just decided that I need a bit of a facelift.  I've been working on a crash course of Photoshop and I can now report that I hate photoshop. I want to do a sexy seven series on Saturday's with my favorite things all in one photo, numbered. Seems simple enough, well its not. If you know an easy way to achieve this please let a girl know.

I still don't like our presidential candidates and yes I think we are screwed. I watch Palin on CNN and I want to shoot myself. She makes my stomach hurt.

In other news, X is moved out officially. So far I am fine, no major breakdowns. LOL, I say that as I sit here at 5am typing my post. A little insomnia never hurt anyone. 

Side Note: I cant wait to say, I will take one grande, extra hot, sugar free hazelnut, one splenda latte.

9.18.2008

Tin Truths Seven



1. I am a Taurus
2. I HATE sneakers
3. Porn does turn me on, sometimes
4. The only good thing about Palin, is that I now know who Trevor Linden is
5. I only like watching movies with happy endings
6. I watched 5 episodes of the WSOP Tour last night, tonight I will watch them all again
7. I think my son's principal is a douche bag
8. I had my first glass of wine today at 1:00 pm
9. I watched 20/20 this week, I am now convinced there are UFOs and ALIENs
10. I think I am going to be abducted next (yeah like that wont be a hard core mind fuck).

9.17.2008

WTF? Volume 2 Edition 3



What the hell is wrong with these people, oh yeah its another Chinese phenomena.

9.16.2008

Vibrators, Ponies and Eyeballs Oh My.........



Yes folks that is how I roll. The PIF 3 contest was a huge success and I now have blog proof of what I will win, should any of you bastards win the lottery. 

This consists of a big pink house, big chunk of money,a long weekend in rome w/butler and topless birds, italy for 14 days that includes a spa visit and my hair dyed pink, giant statue of a freaky ass eyeball, calendar, butler(yes popular), years supply of redbull and daises, all of someone's money, paxil, full body black leather bondage outfit, life long tickets to longhorn football and a hello kitty vibrator, lottery ticket, sushi for life, upstair's at eric's cd ( this one was one of my favorites), everything on my about me, pink smart car, 5 lottery tickets, A stay at The Seaspray Hotel and a norelcom bodygroom, a tree and last but not least a pink bark with a pink pony and a pink brush.

I am not a write numbers down and cut them up kind-of girl. So last night I came up with a system. I was going to write down all the names of the comments with item answers. Then I was going to multiply that number by 4 and divide by 7. So 21 answers, all in order, thank you very much. Multiplied by 4 comes out to 84 that divided by 7 is 12. 

So there you have it, my lucky winner is LESLIE. And I just think that is hilarious because it really does fit me to a tee. So if LESLIE ever wins the lotto I will get Life Long Tickets to Longhorn Football and a Hello Kitty Vibrator. Woohoo that just rocks. 

Side Note: This is your proof of permission to use my award picker formula # x 4 / 7 = winner.

9.14.2008

My Perfect.........


Food Day

Breakfast
Sesame Seed Bagel, toasted to extra crunchy
Smoked Salmon
Sliced Sweet Onion 
Tomato from Mom's Garden
Plain Cream Cheese
Sea Salt and Pepper
Ice Cold Milk with 1/2 teaspoon of Nesquick

Lunch
Miso Soup
Edaname
4 Pieces of Maguro
I Piece of Unagi
3 Pieces of Hirachi
Spider Roll
Ahi Tuna cubed and drizzled with Sesame Oil w/crackers
Dirty Martini w/Grey Goose xtra dirty

Snack
Brie w/crackers
Escargot
Green Grapes
Bottle of Caymus Cabernet

Dinner
Raw Oysters
Mozzarella and Tomato Salad
Crusty Baguette w/real butter
Ribeye Steak Medium Rare w/horseradish cream sauce
Horseradish Mashed Potatoes
Grilled Asapargus
Bottle of Caymus Cabernet
Creme Brulee

Because I am a BJ Girl


and if you are thinking something x-rated, then I know you don't read my blog. Now onto fortune cookies, I don't like them and I think they are a crock. Because of this I have sworn off all fortune cookies. What was that smartass, oh real funny. No Santa isn't next on my list, but for the record he better not piss me off.

Because I was feeling nice today I decided to give in to the cookie. And here is what the cookie said. "One must kiss a few frogs before Prince Charming comes along." Uh no shit, now you know why I hate fortune cookies. The only good thing that came out of today is yet again it was confirmed that I am a Princess.

Side Note: Yes I do have that Tiara charm.

9.13.2008

Saturday Slop


Trust me I do have more to blog about then Lizards and Eyeballs. It's just that lately these two things keep coming up in my life, what can I do.

This morning I saw the grandaddy of lizards in my backyard. This thing had hippo legs on him and when he turned his head to look at me I could hear his skin crinkle......It was fun watching my son jump like a little girl when I told him to catch it. Yes I am a mean mom.

Now onto Eyeball steam. If you didn't know already I am a bit of a hypochondriac. So Monday night I was eating super hot spaghetti and steam kept getting in my left eye. Fast forward to Tuesday morning, suddenly my left eye is dripping eye liquid. Yes it weirded me out and yes I googled steam in eyeball. A few hours later it stopped, but this is my freaking life.

9.12.2008

Tin Truths 6



I know, I know I suck. A day late, and well you get the point. Here you go............

1. I got a migraine this week and with that came morphine, I am glad I can't get it on the streets.
2. I was already broke up with, but for some reason I got broke up with again.
3. Rampid isn't a word, either is caw or airy, in rap videos these translate to call and every.
4. 34 is the most comments ever on a post and I think I am now a whore, ok a comment whore.
5. I hate Sarah Palin
6. My son's position is linebacker this year, and he's really good at it
7. Real Live Lesbian and her pony talk, kind-of weirded me out lol.
8. If I had to be in a porn and I had to take 1 fruit it wouldn't be a banana
9. No Real Live Lesbian didn't make me think of porn
10. I cant wait for October

Side Note: I really want that freaking lunch box.

9.09.2008

Damn I am good....



No for real, I am good. I am so freaking awesome that sometimes I think its sad that the only person that thinks I am so freaking awesome, is awesome fucking me. WoofreakingHoo. Wow that sounded really jaded, hmmmmm probably because I am jaded. Okay let's see if I can turn this post around (you all know how I feel about deleting a thought that was meant to be).

Damn I am good, Take 2: I won a contest, yes little ol' me. I have to tell you I am super stoked (no not stoned) stoked. So Mrs. Danielle-Lee had a PIF contest. Okay fine, it stands for Pay It Forward. Anyhow I won it, I really, really, won it. I wish I could tell you that I wrote some great short story, or that I did some great deed. But that just isn't the case. I won because I am fucking lucky, and I am damn proud of it.

Because I am so competitive and because you bastards failed miserably on the lottery gig back in July. I decided I would give you a chance to redeem yourself.

What you have to do- Simple, tell me one thing you would buy me if YOU won the lottery. Creativity can affect drawing method. I will pick a winner next Monday, For the dumb people 8/15/08.

What's in it for you- A prize. HHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA I really crack myself up. But for real, there is a prize. So have at it.

Side Note: If your creative mind thinks up a BS answer today.... you can enter more than once.

Side Note 2: My contest is called PIF 3

9.08.2008

Insert Dumb Title Here..........


I wake up and I swear I just slept on a cloud. The bed is so big, I get lost in it. I am surrounded by down and linen. My feet stick out from under the fluffiness and I can instantly tell that the room is a cool 65. I grab my tiny bell and I ring it twice. My butler, who looks like he just stepped off abercrombie page 2, brings me a chilled red bull and informs me that my bath is ready. Before my feet can touch the floor, he has my body wrapped in silk and my feet covered in plush. Upon entering the bathroom I think for a moment, am I in Rome. Before me is the biggest bath I have ever seen, chilled champagne and 3 topless Women with pink sponges. This is how they did it in the day, I loose the silk and plop down in a sea of bubbles. My hair is washed, my body scrubbed, I don't know if I will ever get out. ANT, ANT, ANT, ANT, ANT, ANT....Fucking Alarm! Seriously pisses me off! can you just once, let me finish my freaking dream.! Apparently that is just too much to ask.

These days I prefer dream land. This weekend alone I have had orgasms with Matthew Mc Hotty, won the lottery and been to quite a few casinos. That is the life.

Side Note: No, that isn't my real bathroom.

9.04.2008

Tin Truths Five


1. If I could rob one store and get away with it, it would be Sephora
2. My favorite vegetable is the Artichoke
3. My eye's are my best asset
4. I am a true Redhead although nobody believes me
5. I want to die in my sleep
6. I don't like chewy ass cookies
7. I really love spoons, it all started when I was very young
8. I refuse to mow, its a man job
9. I really, really wish I could change the world
10. I wish I had a Xanax

Deep


These are my words, my feelings and yes my blog. A place for me to say what I want, when I want!

I have had a long running feud with God. I know the day it started, and the reasons I will keep to myself. I am the kid (yes I am still a kid) that always questions the why, how, what and where. For years I have told myself that IF there is a God, then he understands 100% where I am at in my life and he understands my doubts.

But to be honest I am just pissed. Not knowing if there is a God, or where my faith lies, leaves me not knowing who to be pissed at right now. I don't understand life and I am sick of people telling me I am not supposed to understand it. When it comes to the all mighty, I believe I should have rights. I believe I do have the right to know the meaning of it and why things happen the way they do. I don't care who ate the fucking apple and I don't care that water was turned into wine.

There are a thousand things that I am grateful for, and there are a thousand things I am not grateful for. I just don't get it. Bad things do happen to good people and good things do happen to bad people. That's just life right, so we should all just except it and be grateful. Well sorry but not today. I don't understand the suffering part and I don't believe in the BS of everything happens for a reason and all the other tag lines that you could insert here. We basically live our lives to grow old and suffer till deaf, and it makes me really mad. So at this point in my life I am pissed at God, pissed because his plan sucks, pissed because faith isn't making me feel any better and pissed because if there isn't a God then what the hell are we doing.

Side Note: I am not in some black hole of depression I am fine. In two minutes I will post Thursday's Tin Truths and we will be back to our regular scheduled program.

Side Note 2: I think there should be a name for people who are in God Purgatory.

9.02.2008

Bigger Than Watergate......


dun dun dun, da na , da dun dun dun, dun da nah dun nadah da dun. Wow, I did that perfectly. It's the old school intro song for HBO Movies. Yes I know I am weird. We all have things that remind of us childhood, and we have all read posts about it a thousand times. Tough shit, here is another one.

These are just a few of my favorites, from the 50's. Sike, the 80's.

For me it was Sesame Street Sheets. My cartoons, Shirt Tails (bogey was my favorite) and Smurfs. I loved playing with my Baby Alive. I had a Wuzzle, Strawberry Shortcake Dolls that smelled so freaking good, I played with colorforms and had tons of paper dolls. I loved My Little Pony, Rainbow Brite and of course Hello Kitty. I had a Cabbage Patch Doll and collected Garbage Pail Kid Cards. Yes I remember Poochie and Monchichi.

I wore plastic charms and jelly shoes. I loved banana clips and yes can remember my pink Forenza sweater and Outback Red shirts. Boys were hot if they wore Drakar, Girbaud Jeans and Red Wings. New Coke was all the talk, and everyone hated it. To this day, the smell of Salon Selectives and Rave, can put me right back in 7th Grade.

So yes, I want to know 5 things (come on you can do it) (more if you have the patience) that remind you of childhood.

Side Note: Thanks for playing.