now what.........

It' so weird to think that its been over a year since I have written a post. I love how in my darkest and brightest times, I always return here. My place, my place to do and say whatever the hell I want. Oh how I have missed you.

I didn't cry today. I didn't wake up angry. I woke up done!

A week ago, I said over and over, if I am not a mom then who I am. Who is that person and what in the hell am I going to do now. YES, my son came home on a Sunday and said 6 words that forever changed my life. I WANT TO LIVE WITH MY DAD! I cried and cried and cried some more. How? Why? We sat on the couch and together we cried. He told me loved me, and that I have given him everything. That he had given me 16 years and he just wanted to give his dad 2. He left 3 days later..........

Today to the day its been a week. The worst week of my life.

But something happened this morning. A change, a change in me. I remembered #19 - "It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else."

and in that moment....... I said I got this. I dyed my hair, I have lost 5 pounds simply from not eating, I am giving my cats to a good home, I am moving to a smaller apartment, I FINALLY burned my sisters letters. My family is freaking, they say wait a month before you make any big decisions you might regret. NO!!!!!!

I AM an amazing mother. I have raised a beautiful child and that in itself is priceless. I will not spend one more day crying and unable to leave my couch. I will chop off all my hair in a week. I will move in less then 45 days. I will give my cat's away. I will find a new job. I will have meaningless sex with whoever I choose. I will not buy any groceries. I will change my friends. I will change my life.

I have spent 16 years giving everything in me to one purpose, raising my kid. And I did a damn good job. But now, its my second childhood and I can promise you its going to be the best one EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

just a thought

hi.

so last night at 2:30 in the morning my brain wouldn't let me sleep. I seem to have insomnia of sorts lately or maybe its insomnia of the brain. It took everything in me not to login to blogger and let out a thousand thoughts. I just kept hearing my mom and her damn 24 hour rule, you know wait 24 hours before you send the awful email, pissed off text, etc. I am not even mad at anyone in particular just people in general. My dad for not being a dad and then dying. A friend for not seeing who I really am. Others, who seem to have judgement on everything I do yet spend very little time in my life. I get up and I get dressed just like everyone else. I do my best not to pass judgement on others in my life. Maybe I should do a better job at not passing judgement period. Maybe this is my karma, my payback. Its funny last night and for most of the day yesterday I kept hearing words in my head. Words that have been said to me over the past month from so called friends and my family. Its allot to take in sometimes, every ones thoughts and opinions on your life.

Well if you have read my blog before then you know I haven't been as close to god as I probably should be. And yes I spell it with a little g. In October of last year I read "the shack" and for the most part that has changed. We have our talks now and were working out the kinks. Last night I was so frustrated that I grabbed his book and put it on my chest and screamed FINE I give up. Then I said what I seem to always say which is show me a sign. So I told myself I am going to open this book and will just see what I am "supposed to read". When I opened it, it was the last page of Job and the point basically was to pray for your friends and in return good will come to you. Yes not groundbreaking, but it made sense to me. I prayed for my friends and I had a talk with god and I slept with my bible.

Today, I am not cured. I haven't witnessed a miracle. However, I know I can do this. I am going to be fine. I do feel better today. Maybe I need to just do what I need to do and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. and just maybe I NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE FAITH!

Side note: thanks god!

Tin Truths 35

1. Days of a runny nose means snot in your mouth..and ya not fun.

2. I am determined to be productive today.

3. My son is being teenager and I am praying he doesn't age me too much.

4. The first drink of Red Bull smells like throw up.....still.

5. I hit over 2K lines on Tetris, yes I am a master.

6. People who MISS judge me really piss me off.

7. Its even worse when those people are your friends.

8. The toy I did my review on awhile back got lost in the move.

9. I don't even want to think about what the movers are doing with it.

10. Only I control my destiny and dammit its going to be a good one.

Side Note: I think I am happy bunny, just saying.

just another decade

I guess I will always be an airhead at heart. The other day I was sitting around with friends and they started talking about the next decade. I sat there very quiet thinking wow what are these people talking about....the next decade wont be for another 990 years. That night I learned that a decade was 10 years and all of a sudden I didnt just have hope for 2010 I had hope for the new decade.

So today my Tin Truths is dedicated to the past and to the future. 

1. The last 10 were the most painful years of my life.

2. I end 2009 forgiving and losing my dad.

3. I end this decade forgiving, missing, and loving my beautiful sister.

4. Watching my amazing son grow over the past 10 years has been beyond priceless.

5. I start this next decade 35 and so ready to conquer the next 10.

6. I got through this decade I can get through anything.

7. I will travel in the next 10. A trip with my son. A trip with my mom. A trip for just me.

8. Poker is in my Professional future this go round.

9. I will strive to be happy and eliminate anyone or anything that hinders that. 

10. I will raise my son into a man. 

I can't wait for the NEXT ONE! jag out.

Side Note: I don't have those rain boots. But I so wish I did.

I Wanna Know!

1. Why is yeah spelled yeah and not ya.

2. If you are a nun what religion are you? Or do all religions have nun's?

3. Where do Gnats come from? Is there a momma and daddy gnat?

4. Why does the cheap bubble bath work better then the expensive stuff?

5.  If your fish was blind, how would you know?

JUST ASKING!!!

My Night at the Playboy Mansion!

I got a call on Thursday afternoon from the playboy mansion. The gentleman on the phone said he wanted me to come hang out for the weekend to see if I would a good fit as one of Hef's new girlfriends. I ran home packed clothes I didn't even know I had and headed off. When I got there I was given everything I ever wanted. My toes were done, my hair was colored/cut/straightned, and a makeup artist did my face. I met the other bitches, I mean girls and decided I had no competition. I couldn't believe how skinny I  looked in that Red DIOR. We all jumped in a limo and went out for the night. We had dinner and danced till morning. Hef was a perfect gentleman although his brother was a little creepy. The next morning I was told I was a keeper, I had the opportunity to live in the mansion for at least 6 months. HELL TO THE YA. But then where would my son go? UHHH no the other girls aren't watching him. I mean I am sure he would just love that, but no. It is now Friday Afternoon and I have 2 hours to find sexy dresses, figure out where my son is going and get back to the mansion.....

all of a sudden I here a phone ringing. Seriously isn't there staff for this, can someone pick up the damn phone. And who keeps breathing in my face????

ant, ant, ant, ant.........yeah you guessed it. It was my damn phone and a certain little stalker kitty who had decided to wake me up by suffocating me. 

Let me just tell you, it was fun for a night but I wouldn't want to live there!!

Side Note: I did ask if I had to have sex with Hef and I was told no, I just have to call him Daddy! WEIRD!

Goldfish, Not Vodka, will be the death of me!

Sometimes I wish it was easy to update on blogger as it is my phone. Or for that matter that facebook would just automatically link in. UGH.

My weekend was great, fun, aggravating and beyond annoying, all in one. So here are my updates!

- Weight loss is going well. I have lost 2.5 pounds in 5 days and I have to admit I cheated half those days. I hope this week goes a little better. I have to lose 11 by October 23!

- The 100 calorie packs in my life are killing me. I am not a carb freak but one of the hardest parts of dieting for me is the loss of the "crispy crunchy" a cracker, a chip, or god forbid a "goldfish". What's been saving me is the 100 calorie goldfish and cheese nip packs. I haven't broke down and had 2 in a day yet, but I just feel its coming. Thank you Pepperidge Farm!

-My boys won (hook em') and I spent good times with my friends. I work from home so my interaction with adults is limited at times. It feels good to get out and have adult talk, wow that kindof sounded dirty!

-Saturday I went to a very interesting place. Its called Ghost Town and you guessed it thats what it is. An older man named George has been building it for 10 years, and its his passion. It has an outside movie theater, a beautiful stage and countless buildings he built with his own hands. The stage is intimate and is surrounded by star lights hanging down, fairy lights (ie christmas white lights) and colored lights as well. A cute boy got up there and sang, I was enamored. I just haven't decided if it was the lights or the mystery boy, lol. Add that in with the best burger and fries I have ever had in my life and well ya good times. This place is set in a place that you would never know it was there. I am glad I got the memo.

-At times I wish this blog was still small. I always said that I would never filter myself on here. Yet right now that is exactly what I find myself doing at times. I have even began to make my facebook list smaller, the ones who get my blog. I think we can all look at ourselves and find things to better in our lives. I am taking a hard look at my life and working on a few of those everyday. I am also working on keeping my mouth shut in situations where my words will make no difference. A lot of times we have expectations of how things are going to go, this always sets us up for trouble. I think having an expectation of a conversation is even worse. Because then it doesnt even matter what the other party has to say, you or they have already formed opinions.. And when the conversation is coming from people you love its best to look at their motive and not their words. I looked at the motive and am trying very hard not to let the words bother me. Over the years I have become a very judgemental person. It started out that I just had a strong opinion and now that opinion has turned into judgements. From all of this I take a little and I leave a little, and I walk away with a true feeling of what it feels like to be judged. Next time I will try a little harder not too. I am in a very good place right now and I thank god for that.

Other then that, I am leaving in 3 days and I can't wait. I am getting the hell out of here. I am 35 and I haven't spent a weekend with my whole family in years. Most of us will be there. My son gets to enjoy the coast like I did as a kid. There will be fishing, laughing, giggling, cooking and drinking. And I get all aunts and uncles in one place. Well all but one.... UNCLE JOE, I love you and you will be missed. So cross your fingers that the days go by FAST!

thats all folks.