D is for Doctor

This first statement isn't meant to cause any Divorces, Separations or Sex Withholding. If your wife or gf says she DOESN'T have the "Doctor Fantasy"........she is lying to you. We have it, and we play that dirty visual out in our head right then and there. So, the D is for Doctor and not just because he was throw you down and take your panties hot, but also because he was funny too.

We had to go to the ER Tuesday Night because my son got a mild concussion. I will not elaborate much more on this, because when it happend it shook me to my core. (dramatic I know, but so true, he is my baby). Now for the fun part.

We get into a room and by this point my son is fine and pissed that we are even there. He is sitting on the bed and in walks Mc Hottie. Mc Hottie is 6 foot, young, chiseled face and has salt and pepper hair. He's wearing scrubs and no undershirt, yeah chest was showing, and he had on redwing boots. When he walked in, he had instant rapport with my son. He wasn't your typical doctor, he pulled out a chair put his feet on the bed and talked to my kid like he was a tween. He made my son feel like they were on the same level and that the doctor was glad he was cool enough to be speaking to my kid. Sorry if that's confusing but its the best way I can explain it. So he tells us its a mild concussion and that we need full x-rays of the arm all the way down. We both thank him and as he is walking out, my son asks for a band aid. 

Mc Hottie then says the best line I think I have ever heard.

"How about instead of a band aid, I get you a can of man and a straw to suck it up with."

He had my son rolling. What a great line! So yeah.....hot, smart, funny and of course freaking married. At least I get to keep my dirty visual and man was it dirty.

What is HOGEYE?

First of all, you guys all crack me up... especially Karen. I am supposed to be the one with the creepy eye phobia, because of Karen's comments yesterday she now joins me. Hogeye is a festival in Elgin, TX. This festival has been around for 21 years, and its too much fun. There is cowpatty bingo, yep I said cowpatty. I am sure if you all use your imagination you can imagine how it works. Then there are the sowpremes, these ladys dress up in pink and sing oldies with a little oink oink twist. They all come out on harleys and its one of my favorite parts of the day. I know, easily pleased. The festival is held in downtown Elgin and its truly a blast. Funnel Cakes, Car Shows, Petting Zoos, Men who beat their chests and Sell Beer, a BBQ Cookoff and lots of fun. There is something about these small town festivals that I think is just great. Oh and I almost forgot.....ALOT of people wear PINK.

So there you have it! Now stay tuned for the DILF.

Side Note: The youtube video is from the Spam Festival not the same as Hogeye. But it was the only video I could find of the sowpremes.

Tin Truths Twelve

1. This weekend I am going to a "Hogeye" Festival and I cant wait.

2. Tuesday night I met a DILF and the D isn't for Dad or Dude

3. Sunday I ate 2 dozen oysters in one sitting 

4. Today my boobs are the size of grapefruits, or large oranges

5. I won Amy's contest over @ Life of a Nguyener and I am pretty excited about it

6. If I had to name one animal that I feel like, it would be a HIPPO

7. I want to lose 15 pounds so I can buy a pair of J Brand Jeans 

8. I think my X and I are finally over the drama, and have agreed to be friends

9. My son got a mild concussion this week and I am re-thinking football BIGTIME

10. The second it got cold outside I started craving slurpee's, something is wrong with me

Side Note: Ken, thank you so much for the pic.

WTF? Volume 7 Edition 4

WTF is happening to our country. I was on a blog the other day and I read about Mother's cookies going bankrupt. I am not really a sweets girl, I prefer the salty snack side of things. However, I freaking love these cookies. To say they are my favorite just doesn't do them justice. I love the sweet silkiness of the icing with the crunchy bits of sprinkles in my mouth. When I heard about this I assumed I could still get some remaining bags until they sold out. UHHHHHHHH no! no bags, no where! I now have to resort to e-bay. This sucks.

In other news I had to bite my tongue last night big time, and man was it hard. You see jag doesnt bite her tongue, she says what she wants, when she wants. She is honest and could care less what people think. Here is the setup.

My son and I are at TGIF's and its 10:16pm, the place closes at 11 pm. It was after football and my son ate a 10oz steak, mashed potatoes, sliders, chicken tenders and peanut butter pie, no point to this, just wanted you to know how much a 13 year old can eat its crazy. For the point.....across from us a husband, wife, child, grandmother, and what i think was a step grandfather sit down at the table next to us. The second the waiter comes up, asshole step dad(now ASD) says he wants happy hour pricing on drinks, asks to speak to the manager and basically demands it, because its now 30 minutes to close. I am listening to all this thinking what an idiot and he is so getting his food spit on. When the manager leaves the table ASD starts lecturing the table about how he took control of the situation and control is how you get what you want, blah blah freaking blah. Now for the screwed up part. What do you think ASD ordered? 12 year old scotch? Martini? Double crown on the rocks? NO! The loser ordered a beer, give me break. A beer, wow buddy that $0.50 really made a huge difference I am sure. No one else even ordered a drink! It took everything in me to not walk over and tell that guy he was a loser douche bag. Today I wish I would have.

I'm a Dirty Cheater

So yeah my title brings all the boys to the blog....I was tagged by Penny and in her post she called herself a Dirty Cheater. So technically I guess I am a dirty cheater and a dirty thief. Holy shit its Dirty Tuesday. I am loving the dirty talk. Oh what a sad life I lead. 

Back to the point, Penny Lane over at "She is Anyway" has a great blog so check her out. Now the bad news I don't tag so if you like it take it. 2. I can't do six random things because I already do that on thursday and secondly I don't do things in 6. Damn I am a bitch. So now I will list my 5 wishes. Since I didn't tag any of you bastards, each person that reads this should leave a comment of one of their wishes. Leave it to me to change the whole damn process, screw up the rules and deconstruct the meme. Sorry Penny! Okay not that sorry. 

I wish

Narnia was real

Water Horses were in Lake Travis

I was a fairy

We had another presidential canidate

I could touch the stars just one time

Side Note: Do not google Dirty Boy!!!!!!!

Someone is so kissing my ass

This person would be Tiffany. Yes she gave me an award and yes I believe she thinks I am awesome. BUT I also think Tiffany Twilight might have an ulterior motive. I also convinced that she is getting freaking twilight kickbacks! Anyhow this woman has a great blog so go check her crazy ass out.

So here goes....six things that make me happy. Well unfortunately I don't do things in sixes so I will give you 5.

1. Spending time with mom, and I mean anytime. Laughing with her and our phone talks are priceless. I love you mom!

2. My kid, he has great humor(wonder where he got that) and he just gets its. He is my life and definitely makes me happy. I love you son!

3. Cold Milk! Pretty simple I like my milk cold and it makes me happy. I love you milk!

4. It makes me happy when I crawl in my bed and all the sheets, pillow cases and down comforters have just been washed. I love you Downy!

5. POKER! Poker makes me really freaking happy. I love you 74 suited!

I can't just give to 6 or 7 others, because I love you all. So if you always wanted this award take it because in reality I did give it to you. Take it, place it, and tell me what makes you happy. You don't even have to link, lol. Happy Monday!

Side Note: If blogger didn't have spell check, ulterior would have been alterior.

Just Saying.........

I don't clip coupons, I don't like them and I don't want to sit around and cut them. If you are a coupon cutter, I want you to know that I don't look down on you and I don't think I am better than you. So if you are taking this personal get over it, this isn't about you. Sadly this post has nothing to do with coupons, its about people that get pissed off about products and write letters to the manufacturers, something else I don't do.

But I am seriously considering it. 

Product #1- Chunky Soup "Sirloin Burger

This soup really pissed me off this week. I love sirloin burger or I should say used to love. I opened a can the other day and there was 1 piece of meat. Are you shitting me, one piece. Now I am not a meat pig. I don't expect the soup to be full of meat, nor do i go on an instant meat dig. But give me a break one piece. Rename this crap people or add more burger.

Product #2- Smart Ones "Meatloaf and Mashed Potatoes"

Another "used to be" must have. I get that its diet food and I get that you squash a bunch of damn vegetables to produce mystery meatloaf. I am okay with that part. The part that I am not okay with is the fact that you added in some disgusting ass animal/people/rock bone shit into my meatloaf. Forget about the obvious fear of going to cracked tooth land, lets talk about living in WTF Town. I spit this thing out instantly and then threw up a little in my mouth. And then yes, spent the rest of the day wondering what the hell it was. I will not make that mistake again.

Side Note: Over 10 years ago I stopped eating cheap ass hamburger meat because while cooking it I saw too many noodle artery things and just couldn't stomach it. I know........I am weird.

I love #3

This bottle was one of my first perfume purchases. I am one of those girls who loves perfume. Mademoiselle makes me feel sexy flirty. Yes I just made up my own style. I think this scent smells amazing on most woman. Go ahead and keep a mental note, bribes will be accepted at a later date.

COCO Mademoiselle, by Chanel ($80)

Post 101

Its hard to believe this is my big 101. It all started July 18th, I was depressed and on my way too broken. I decided that day I was going to start my blog, good, bad or ugly. I didn't expect to meet such great people, but I did. This blog helped me through a very tough time. I cant wait to see what the next 101 bring. Thanks to all my family, friends, commenter's and lurkers.

Side Note: Yes I finally give myself the Tiffany Box and nothing is freaking in it. Beggars can't be choosers, or can they?

There's a Party in my Pants

Let me start by saying that I don't want you to go out, get poster board and do a mock science project. Its just a question folks! How long does it take you to P?

This is how long it takes me:

56 seconds and this includes washing my hands. Me being the dork I am, put something in the microwave for 3 1/2 minutes. As soon as I shut the microwave door I start hopping around my kitchen. My legs were crossed and my face had that "I need to fucking p" look on it. Now, at this point I should have told myself "you are an adult go the bathroom already". But NO, I had to take my meal out and stir it and then put back in for another minute, there is no freaking time. I looked at the microwave at it had 1:54 seconds remaining. So like all women my age I challenged myself. Could I P in 1:54, I wish I was joking when I said I laughed all the way to the bathroom. Laughing so hard, I am lucky I didn't P on myself. When I got back to kitchen the clock said :58.

I was so excited I did the "I am awesome dance" right there in my kitchen. I screamed Yes, like I just made the last TX touchdown to beat OU. Next challenge can I open the microwave door right before the beep but still on the 0. UHHHHH not so much. Here is where I look around my empty kitchen to make sure Mc Kitchen Ghost isn't watching.

The point, I'm a dork.

Side Note: 100th post but talking about 100th post will actually be 101th post. Damn I crack myself up, seriously.

Tin Truths 11

1. I can't wait to have my mom's stuffing

2. I don't own anything from Tiffany & Co. , but I should

3. I am having a garage sale on Saturday and I hate garage sales

4. I haven't had sex in 5 months and I am going crazy

5. For a week I have gone to sleep thinking about kissing for hours

6. I am thinking about reading the "twilight" series, Tiffany I said "thinking"

7. Just once I want to say "the Tribe has spoken"

8. I wonder if masturbation can truly make you go blind

9. Brody and I got married last night, so I may need to chill out on the reality tv

10. I wish I could click my flip flops and go anywhere I wanted, just once. (okay Ben made a good point, twice so I can get home)

Side Note: Tomorrow is my 100th post, so I will be in hiding today to make sure nothing awesome happens to blog about. OCD Much?

Dragomir, My New Hero

If you know me, you know I love poker. Its my passion. I have been recording the 2008 WSOP and I watch the episodes over and over. Tonight was freaking awesome and so this leads to my first 2008 WSOP post.

If you don't watch or play poker feel free to leave now. First the bad! My Favorite Player "Gus Hansen" was knocked out. Now for the AWESOME. I am a Phil Helmuth hater and when I say hater I mean I can't stand to watch this douchebag! Tonight my friends he got burned, and I think one of new favorites is "Dragomir".

Blinds are 12K/24K

Phil: AS/KH
Dragomir: 10D/4D

Dragomir raises to 80K, Phil Raises to 255K, Dragomir Calls. Now we are playing poker!

Flop Comes: 9C/10C/7S

Dragomir bets 300K, Phil does what Phil always does and starts crying like the baby he is and of course folds. Because crybaby talked so much shit, Dragomir flips his cards over and shows Phil.

Freaking Classic, Phil proceeds to call him an idiot and Dragomir says hes the idiot with the stack. The whole table and audience go crazy cheering and laughing. Phil looked stunned and truly looked like the real idiot. This has made my night, and yes I watched it twice more just to see the look on that assholes face. I really hope he doesn't make it to the final table.

Side Note: Anxiously awaiting November 9th!

If- Lets do this.

Yesterday I got a message from Jamie over at Gimme The Juice, she is now a proud member of Swapfest coming up in a few weeks. I spent some time on her blog today and she cracks me the hell up. One of her posts had the following questions.

1. If you had to name the time when you came closest to death, when would it have been?

A few years back I had a little dance with a semi truck. I was driving down a pretty long stretch of highway when all of a sudden I hit a block of fog. The person in front of me slammed on their brakes and I did the same. This resulted in me spinning and hitting drivers side right into the back of a semi. From there I was spun around back into my lane. Both air bags blew and I was badly bruised. Everyone at the scene was shocked that I walked away from that accident.

2. If you were to name one possession that means the most to you, what would it be?

My mom's bible.

3. If you had to name the one thing about your life right now that you would NOT change, what  would it be?

Being a mom and my son.

4. If you had to eat in only one restaurant for the rest of your life, which one would you choose?

Kenichi, only because this restaurant has an amazing bar and there sushi is awesome. Last time I was there I had a roll with smoked salmon, cucumber, cream cheese and sliced strawberries on top, amazing.

5. If you had to name the one most important ingredient of human beauty, what would it be?

Humor for sure

Side Note: What are your answers? Oh and the ass pic is for the boys.

Whatever..........

I dont believe in love, soul mates or happily ever after. Remember I am BJ girl, and those feelings arent changing anytime soon. This year I went to Bonnaroo with my X. I went on this trip because I thought it would bring us closer. What it actually brought me, was my X cheating on me with the token slut at our campsite. Insert Gasp Here......However, I did meet one very intriguing male. I think back now and I laugh, the connection I felt to this stranger was very strong. We never kissed or touched, but the talks we had about nothing were amazing.

fucking and on and on. this long ass story is killing me!!!!!!!!!!!!

bottom line I contacted him the other day. I think its great that I have a new friend. He sent me his bucket list and I decided to post my 5 favorites. Man this puts mine to shame, and yes competive me is now in the process of making my full bucket list.

8. Eat Sushi in Japan

22. Eat a meal consisting entirely of foods I've grown

30. See the Green Flash at sunset (soooooo googling this one)

40. Spend a week working at a homeless shelter

60. Hold my Grandchildren

100. Live Happily Ever After

Me being a thief, I am stealing all of the above for my list. Below are 5 things that will ensure he will never lose his man card.

11. Dive with the great white sharks in a cage

19. Hop a ride on a train

28. Exceed the speed of sound

61. Run with the bulls

65. Spend two weeks in the wilderness without seeing another person

80. Stay in an ice hotel.

What an amazing list this guys has. I WANT TO KNOW 3 things on your bucket list. You know you want to tell me, so just do it already.

Baggage

So I was tagged by Jenn And The City , to do a post about the contents of my handbag. Jenn's blog is one of many, that I have recently added to my reader. Her blog is beautiful so go check it out.

As for me the contents are pretty freaking boring. The most important thing in my bag is my phone's for sure. The smallest thing, change. As for anything illegal, well not this time around. But I have been known to keep a small stash of blueberry papers in one of my side pockets, for special occasions.

1. This is one of my favorite Coach bags. I love it because the stitching around the edges is pink.

2. Coach Wallet

3. My hello kitty bank card that I just got and freaking love it.

4. Gap Receipt

5. Itouch

6. My awesome Pink Razor, never leave home without it

7. Pocket Pc- a phone aka a mini computer

8. Wrigley's Elixir gum, if you haven't had this stuff you must go try it. 

9. My James Avery Hoops

10. My wristband from Bonnaroo 08'

11. The wrapper to a polishing cloth by Cargo. Its to wash your face and its life changing.

12. Benefit by Dandelion

13. Prescriptive bronzer brush

14.  Tarte Lights, Camera, Action Mascara

15. The Balm lip gloss is Bubble My Gum

16. A shit load of quarters. 

I love to read in Glamour, Instyle etc. When people empty their bags. For me I always want to know about new and great products. So there you have it. At this point I am supposed to tag 3 of you fuckers. Last time I did this, only half of you played.

SO....If you think this is cool, steal it and let me know when you post about it. Oh yeah and for all my boys you can play too. We want to see your titty bar receipts, lol.

OU SUCKS TAKE TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This morning felt like Christmas morning, I jumped out of bed and ran to my computer. Oh Yeah, We Are #1 and I am pretty freaking excited about it. I love watching the longhorns play. I am an Austin girl through and through, so watching the longhorns is such a tradition. It give me tinglies all over. Missouri here we come.

This week already feels long and I am just getting started, not a good sign. So what did your team do this weekend?

OU SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't freaking wait for 11:00. Hook' Em, bitches.

I love #2

This series started with a question about Concealer for under the eyes. This was an easy one, as  my mom spent about an hour at Sephora a few months ago trying on about 88 concealers. This concealer worked great for both her and I. I am not a big Clinique girl myself, but this item is now a forever staple.

Line Smoothing Concealer, by Clinique ($14)

Tin Truths Ten

1. I cannot wait for the TX-OU game.

2. I have decided to pull up carpet and go with stained concrete

3. This week I googled "can you go blind at 34"

4. There are more guys then girls in my Swapfest right now

5. I talked to a guy on the phone last night for almost 3 hours, and not my x

6. All day yesterday I heard "cowbell' in my head. justagirl needs more cowbell

7. I wish I could go through my whole day naked, starbucks and all

8. I am still not sleeping very well at night, where is the damn xanax

9. I am slowly but surely killing my grass

10. Today I will learn about the Sagittarius sign

WTF? Maybe if we told our children to smoke Marijuana

then they would eat their vegetables. Okay, I don't really think we should tell our children to smoke pot. But my brain always thinks about the weirdest things. This time I started wondering when kids started disliking vegetables. Me personally I love vegetables now, but I do remember as a kid not liking them at all. My son who is 13 ONLY eats- corn, green beans and potatoes. I am convinced that life wasn't always like this. 

My theory is that we tell our kids they can't drink, smoke or have sex. Shockcity these are the first things they can't wait to try. Yet from elementary up they are told to eat there damn vegetables, and that clearly isn't happening. So from here on out, I think we should tell them vegetables are crap, they taste like shit and they do nothing for your body. Damn, why didn't i think of this 13 years ago.

Side Note: I know what day it is and Tin Truths is coming.

This is how we roll.

Back in the day I used to work at Subway, this means that I KNOW what I want when I go. My son hates it when I order, but this is how I like my Subway.

6inch White Turkey, No cheese, Not toasted, w/lettuce, more lettuce, more lettuce. Mayo, oil and vinegar and one line of ranch. Last but not least salt and pepper. I love shredded lettuce, freaking love it. I could eat lettuce sandwiches and tacos.

My son somehow managed to create a hot dog sandwich. Footlong Cold Cut Combo on white, with american cheese and bacon, toasted. Then mayo and yellow mustard. It tastes just like a hot dog, its very weird.

I know ground breaking post. How do you do your Subway?

Suck It Primer

This weekend I decided to paint my dining room. The prior color was red, per my mom this meant going to primer hell. So I did, for 7 hours yesterday. It sucked and I will never, I repeat never primer again. Its not like painting, its not fun, and its messy as shit. Screw you KILZ.

Hey OJ, one word for ya buddy "KARMA".

Every year for Christmas I get a hello kitty calendar. I know big shock. I think its really cool when my son walks in my office and changes the month for me. My calendar is hung on a nail with pink ribbon attached to it. So big, bad, cool, tween, football playing, girl loving, boy takes it down, fixes the month, hangs it back on the nail and then has a conversation with me about the pic. Little things in life are priceless. 

I don't like ghetto at all. But for some reason I really love "Whiteboy". 

I am finally getting over my sickness and getting back to my favorite fix. Welcome back red bull!

Swapfest 08'

Okay so I get it, we start our blogs and we all do the newbie things. We do meme's, check. We do awards, check. We actually post multiple times in one day, freaking check. But when are we seasoned enough to do a swap. Today!

Now I don't ask a lot from you bastards. Once I asked for you to vote for me on humor-blogs, and I haven't made that mistake since. But I do want some participants in my first "just a girl's, swapfest 08' ". I know what you are thinking, economy, money, gifts oh my. Folks lets keep this simple shall we.

You can swap 1 item or 50 items to your swap-ee, that is not whats important. We all like surprises and what a great way to end the year. Send your swap-ee a good book, or regift, be creative and send candybars, candles or even a recipe card. Its not about how much or how little you do, its about the thought. Lets just do this.

1. I would like men to participate (gman, moe, jay, joe, ken,RPM, brad etc.)(if you dare)

2. If you want to participate simply send me an email..... justagurl74@gmail.com

3. Or leave a comment

4. Anyone can join the swapfest until October 31st.

5. I will arrange it all and send you your swap-ee's info by November 5th.

6. All you have to do is send your swap gift out by November 30th

7. No seven I just don't like to end on six

I don't need you to link to me and I don't know how to make a damn picture button. If you want to list this on your blog then go old school. Copy and paste the pic, and link back. However, this is not about me. I could give 2 shits, I just want participants.

Side Note: Everyone who joins will receive a swapfest souvenir.

I love #1

So merlotmom gave me the push I needed to start my series. These are the things I love. I am a Sephora Whore and as you know, love all things pink. Hope you love my new Saturday Series.

This product is called Dandelion and it's amazing. I started wearing this about 3 years ago and I have been in  love ever since. It can be used as a powder, blush or a bronzer. Me personally I use it for all 3. As the ladies in black will tell you, its best applied using a 3 motion on your face. Take the brush and start at your forehead and brush a 3 on one side of your face in a sweeping motion. Starting at the middle of forehead then brush to your cheek and then down to your chin. Thus making a big 3 on your face, repeat on other side. This color looks great on everyone, and gives you that just been _____, well you get the point.

Dandelion, by Benefit ($26)

Truth or Dare

What gets me excited? I was sitting at my desk when all of a sudden I screamed YES. Why, because I am a dork and I remembered that I had 2 Brach's orange slices in my purse. Yes I needed something sweet and yes I got them out of the 5 for $0.25 stand at HEB.

Now for my first ever Truth or Dare.

Truth: When at the grocery store do you pay the $0.25 for 5 little brach candies, or do you just take the candy?

Dare: If you dare.

Side Note: Yes I am from the south, Yes we call all Coke, Coke, Yes we call all grocery stores HEB.

Tin Truths Nine

1. I kill plants

2. Words with lines through them make me throw up in my mouth

3. I have never read a Jane Austen book, but I want too

4. I can't stop touching my boobs today and I like it

5. I am 5'1 and a half

5. Cilantro smells like Stink Bug and I hate it

6. I haven't had alcohol in over a week, sad I know

7. I have downed a bottle of Nyquil since Saturday

8. I have decided to start wearing panties again

9. I freaking hate Bank of America

10. I am having a serious craving for Fruity Pebbles

Side Note: No, I am not pregnant

WTF? Eatpeopleesque Edition 4

Okay so I have had some xanax in my day. Tonight I am blog surfing. We all know where this road goes, one of three ways. 1. blogs we will visit again, 2. blogs we wont visit again and 3. blogs that freak us the hell out.

So it all started innocent enough. In blogger I clicked TX, then I clicked on Austin, and then for some strange freaking reason I clicked on xanax. Scarrrrieeeeeeeeee! This profile freaked me out so bad I didn't even click on the profile in fear that he would show up on my blog, freaking skin wearer.

insert scary ass bald, scragly goatee, wife beater (the shirt) tattooed man here.

40 Year Old Leo
Location: In a dark room wearing skin while calling out Clarise (okay I made this part up)
but, this part I didn't make up
Interests:Interests: crime, forensics, psycho-forensics, vampires, bikes, choppers, chicks, xanax, norse vikings, murder, white pride, hammerskins, psychopaths, bi polar disorder, odinism, norseology and history

Creepy! Oh and I don't even want to know what these things mean, norse vikings, hammerskins, odinism or norseology. Not even going to google it. This is what we call smart restraint my friends.

Side Note: I don't eat baby chicks.

.02 Tuesday Two

Wow, say that 5 times fast. I can't believe its the end of September and I didn't do one, .02 Tuesday post. Better late than never.

It's hard being a Palin hater these days. I really can't stand this woman. I don't know if its the accent or her cluelessness but either way she is making me crazy. This is one time where I wish a woman would just look pretty and STFU.

In other news I think its pretty sad that I can't find one picture that I like of a Monopoly shoe piece. I did find out there is now a pink monopoly game, flip flop pieces and all. My favorite piece was the shoe. What was yours?

In regards to the below post yes #2 did happen to me. I know its hard for most of you to believe that men would post their penis's on CL but it happens. Not so fun when its your BF.

Last but not least in my last Tin Truths I said I have met Dennis Quaid and Billy Bob Thorton, and one of them was a tool. Drum roll please................The tool award goes too...... Billy Bob Thorton. Long story short I met him at The Continental Club here in Austin a few years back. He seriously looked like a homeless junkie. He was offended that he wasn't giving VIP service by the bartenders, which is a joke. Hello douche bag you are at The Continental Club. The conversation was worse, he could barely hold a conversation and mostly spoke of drugs. Huge let down. 

Side Note:Dennis Quaid on the other hand is very tall and hot as hell. 

Side Note 2: I do know that cluelessness is not a word.

MIWLTF

Next time I will ask these 5 questions before I get in the sack

1. Are you a Scorpio?

2. Have you ever posted your penis on craigslist?

3. Are your hands warm or cold usually?

4. Are you on medication?

5. Do you like Pink?

Bottom line for a Taurus, Scorpio's are only good for one thing. I have the hands of a dead person, freakishly cold. However, because of my mom I am a strong believer in warm hands cold heart, cold hands warm heart. X had hands from hell, why don't we ever listen to our MOM's!

Side Note: The M in MIWLTF does not stand for MOM.........

Side Note 2: That gun is a Taurus, who would've thought!

Sunday Reflections

I think it will be weeks before I have dry pillows at night, but my house is slowly but surely getting cleansed from X. There is something empowering about taking back your closet, and putting your bathroom back to pink. 

If I was any animal this weekend it was a bear! And I have to tell you a bear's life sucks. Eat, sleep, sleep, sleep, eat. Its no way to live, and no wonder they are grumpy. The older you get, the worse it gets when you are sick. At least by tomorrow I will be rested.

Last but not least I have a tip for all parents. If you want to spend more time with your tween/teen, just ground them. I actually like it when  my son is grounded. Chores get done, we cook together, have real conversations, play games etc. Pretty freaking sad I know. 

So yeah, my life is clearly interesting. How was your weekend?

Side Note: David Blaine is a fucking idiot!

Because I can.

Side Note: NTR

Tin Truths Ate

1. Out of sight, out of mind is soooo true

2. I don't like elvis

3. I can't live without lipgloss

4. I wish Mc Donald's would spread out the pickles on their cheeseburgers

5. If there were no sharks, I would learn to surf

6. If my cat meows again today, I might kill it

7. Skor is my favorite candy bar

8. I have met Billy Bob Thorton and Dennis Quaid

9. One of the above is a major tool

10. I really hope Gus Hansen makes it to the final table

Side Note: Thanks Homo! That Seal Maker is awesome!

And you thought Sweckle was weird

So at 4:04 am I woke up in my bed and decided I was going to do a "Where is Waldo" post. But instead it would be "Where is JAG". For the next 5 hours I would wake up and for the short amount of time that I was lucid, I would have conversations with my brain about this post. At one point I had a full on dream with both angel jag and devil jag, which was pretty freaking weird.

The point of this post is that NYQUIL should be illegal. It has been years since I took this legal drug, and I am now convinced that this shouldn't be sold to Adults. 

There you have it my, WTF Wednesday.

Side Note: I can't even find Waldo in that damn pic!

Tween Word of the Day #1

sweck*le |ˈswekal|

adverb & adjective

to, toward, or from the side : [as adv. ] she tilted her body sweckle | [as adj.] he hurried toward the xbox without a sweckle glance.
  • [as adv. ] with one side facing forward : Mom you parked that car, sweckle.
  • so as to occupy a position at the same level as one previously held rather than be promoted or   demoted : [as adj. ] after the reshuffle there were sweckle moves for offense.

PHRASES
knock someone sweckle see knock .

Someone Call BPS

yes for neglect its not like I am beating my blog or anything. I havent abandoned JAG I have just decided that I need a bit of a facelift.  I've been working on a crash course of Photoshop and I can now report that I hate photoshop. I want to do a sexy seven series on Saturday's with my favorite things all in one photo, numbered. Seems simple enough, well its not. If you know an easy way to achieve this please let a girl know.

I still don't like our presidential candidates and yes I think we are screwed. I watch Palin on CNN and I want to shoot myself. She makes my stomach hurt.

In other news, X is moved out officially. So far I am fine, no major breakdowns. LOL, I say that as I sit here at 5am typing my post. A little insomnia never hurt anyone. 

Side Note: I cant wait to say, I will take one grande, extra hot, sugar free hazelnut, one splenda latte.

Tin Truths Seven

1. I am a Taurus

2. I HATE sneakers

3. Porn does turn me on, sometimes

4. The only good thing about Palin, is that I now know who Trevor Linden is

5. I only like watching movies with happy endings

6. I watched 5 episodes of the WSOP Tour last night, tonight I will watch them all again

7. I think my son's principal is a douche bag

8. I had my first glass of wine today at 1:00 pm

9. I watched 20/20 this week, I am now convinced there are UFOs and ALIENs

10. I think I am going to be abducted next (yeah like that wont be a hard core mind fuck).

WTF? Volume 2 Edition 3

What the hell is wrong with these people, oh yeah its another Chinese phenomena.

Vibrators, Ponies and Eyeballs Oh My.........

Yes folks that is how I roll. The PIF 3 contest was a huge success and I now have blog proof of what I will win, should any of you bastards win the lottery. 

This consists of a big pink house, big chunk of money,a long weekend in rome w/butler and topless birds, italy for 14 days that includes a spa visit and my hair dyed pink, giant statue of a freaky ass eyeball, calendar, butler(yes popular), years supply of redbull and daises, all of someone's money, paxil, full body black leather bondage outfit, life long tickets to longhorn football and a hello kitty vibrator, lottery ticket, sushi for life, upstair's at eric's cd ( this one was one of my favorites), everything on my about me, pink smart car, 5 lottery tickets, A stay at The Seaspray Hotel and a norelcom bodygroom, a tree and last but not least a pink bark with a pink pony and a pink brush.

I am not a write numbers down and cut them up kind-of girl. So last night I came up with a system. I was going to write down all the names of the comments with item answers. Then I was going to multiply that number by 4 and divide by 7. So 21 answers, all in order, thank you very much. Multiplied by 4 comes out to 84 that divided by 7 is 12. 

So there you have it, my lucky winner is LESLIE. And I just think that is hilarious because it really does fit me to a tee. So if LESLIE ever wins the lotto I will get Life Long Tickets to Longhorn Football and a Hello Kitty Vibrator. Woohoo that just rocks. 

Side Note: This is your proof of permission to use my award picker formula # x 4 / 7 = winner.

My Perfect.........

Food Day

Breakfast

Sesame Seed Bagel, toasted to extra crunchy

Smoked Salmon

Sliced Sweet Onion 

Tomato from Mom's Garden

Plain Cream Cheese

Sea Salt and Pepper

Ice Cold Milk with 1/2 teaspoon of Nesquick

Lunch

Miso Soup

Edaname

4 Pieces of Maguro

I Piece of Unagi

3 Pieces of Hirachi

Spider Roll

Ahi Tuna cubed and drizzled with Sesame Oil w/crackers

Dirty Martini w/Grey Goose xtra dirty

Snack

Brie w/crackers

Escargot

Green Grapes

Bottle of Caymus Cabernet

Dinner

Raw Oysters

Mozzarella and Tomato Salad

Crusty Baguette w/real butter

Ribeye Steak Medium Rare w/horseradish cream sauce

Horseradish Mashed Potatoes

Grilled Asapargus

Bottle of Caymus Cabernet

Creme Brulee

Because I am a BJ Girl

and if you are thinking something x-rated, then I know you don't read my blog. Now onto fortune cookies, I don't like them and I think they are a crock. Because of this I have sworn off all fortune cookies. What was that smartass, oh real funny. No Santa isn't next on my list, but for the record he better not piss me off.

Because I was feeling nice today I decided to give in to the cookie. And here is what the cookie said. "One must kiss a few frogs before Prince Charming comes along." Uh no shit, now you know why I hate fortune cookies. The only good thing that came out of today is yet again it was confirmed that I am a Princess.

Side Note: Yes I do have that Tiara charm.

Saturday Slop

Trust me I do have more to blog about then Lizards and Eyeballs. It's just that lately these two things keep coming up in my life, what can I do.

This morning I saw the grandaddy of lizards in my backyard. This thing had hippo legs on him and when he turned his head to look at me I could hear his skin crinkle......It was fun watching my son jump like a little girl when I told him to catch it. Yes I am a mean mom.

Now onto Eyeball steam. If you didn't know already I am a bit of a hypochondriac. So Monday night I was eating super hot spaghetti and steam kept getting in my left eye. Fast forward to Tuesday morning, suddenly my left eye is dripping eye liquid. Yes it weirded me out and yes I googled steam in eyeball. A few hours later it stopped, but this is my freaking life.

Tin Truths 6

I know, I know I suck. A day late, and well you get the point. Here you go............

1. I got a migraine this week and with that came morphine, I am glad I can't get it on the streets.

2. I was already broke up with, but for some reason I got broke up with again.

3. Rampid isn't a word, either is caw or airy, in rap videos these translate to call and every.

4. 34 is the most comments ever on a post and I think I am now a whore, ok a comment whore.

5. I hate Sarah Palin

6. My son's position is linebacker this year, and he's really good at it

7. Real Live Lesbian and her pony talk, kind-of weirded me out lol.

8. If I had to be in a porn and I had to take 1 fruit it wouldn't be a banana

9. No Real Live Lesbian didn't make me think of porn

10. I cant wait for October

Side Note: I really want that freaking lunch box.

Another reason to love BOA........

Damn I am good....

This is me showing major blog love..........

No for real, I am good. I am so freaking awesome that sometimes I think its sad that the only person that thinks I am so freaking awesome, is awesome fucking me. WoofreakingHoo. Wow that sounded really jaded, hmmmmm probably because I am jaded. Okay let's see if I can turn this post around (you all know how I feel about deleting a thought that was meant to be).

Damn I am good, Take 2: I won a contest, yes little ol' me. I have to tell you I am super stoked (no not stoned) stoked. So Mrs. Danielle-Lee had a PIF contest. Okay fine, it stands for Pay It Forward. Anyhow I won it, I really, really, won it. I wish I could tell you that I wrote some great short story, or that I did some great deed. But that just isn't the case. I won because I am fucking lucky, and I am damn proud of it.

Because I am so competitive and because you bastards failed miserably on the lottery gig back in July. I decided I would give you a chance to redeem yourself.

What you have to do- Simple, tell me one thing you would buy me if YOU won the lottery. Creativity can affect drawing method. I will pick a winner next Monday, For the dumb people 8/15/08.

What's in it for you- A prize. HHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA I really crack myself up. But for real, there is a prize. So have at it.

Side Note: If your creative mind thinks up a BS answer today.... you can enter more than once.

Side Note 2: My contest is called PIF 3

Insert Dumb Title Here..........

I wake up and I swear I just slept on a cloud. The bed is so big, I get lost in it. I am surrounded by down and linen. My feet stick out from under the fluffiness and I can instantly tell that the room is a cool 65. I grab my tiny bell and I ring it twice. My butler, who looks like he just stepped off abercrombie page 2, brings me a chilled red bull and informs me that my bath is ready. Before my feet can touch the floor, he has my body wrapped in silk and my feet covered in plush. Upon entering the bathroom I think for a moment, am I in Rome. Before me is the biggest bath I have ever seen, chilled champagne and 3 topless Women with pink sponges. This is how they did it in the day, I loose the silk and plop down in a sea of bubbles. My hair is washed, my body scrubbed, I don't know if I will ever get out. ANT, ANT, ANT, ANT, ANT, ANT....Fucking Alarm! Seriously pisses me off! can you just once, let me finish my freaking dream.! Apparently that is just too much to ask.

These days I prefer dream land. This weekend alone I have had orgasms with Matthew Mc Hotty, won the lottery and been to quite a few casinos. That is the life.

Side Note: No, that isn't my real bathroom.

Tin Truths Five

1. If I could rob one store and get away with it, it would be Sephora

2. My favorite vegetable is the Artichoke

3. My eye's are my best asset

4. I am a true Redhead although nobody believes me

5. I want to die in my sleep

6. I don't like chewy ass cookies

7. I really love spoons, it all started when I was very young

8. I refuse to mow, its a man job

9. I really, really wish I could change the world

10. I wish I had a Xanax

Deep

These are my words, my feelings and yes my blog. A place for me to say what I want, when I want!

I have had a long running feud with God. I know the day it started, and the reasons I will keep to myself. I am the kid (yes I am still a kid) that always questions the why, how, what and where. For years I have told myself that IF there is a God, then he understands 100% where I am at in my life and he understands my doubts.

But to be honest I am just pissed. Not knowing if there is a God, or where my faith lies, leaves me not knowing who to be pissed at right now. I don't understand life and I am sick of people telling me I am not supposed to understand it. When it comes to the all mighty, I believe I should have rights. I believe I do have the right to know the meaning of it and why things happen the way they do. I don't care who ate the fucking apple and I don't care that water was turned into wine.

There are a thousand things that I am grateful for, and there are a thousand things I am not grateful for. I just don't get it. Bad things do happen to good people and good things do happen to bad people. That's just life right, so we should all just except it and be grateful. Well sorry but not today. I don't understand the suffering part and I don't believe in the BS of everything happens for a reason and all the other tag lines that you could insert here. We basically live our lives to grow old and suffer till deaf, and it makes me really mad. So at this point in my life I am pissed at God, pissed because his plan sucks, pissed because faith isn't making me feel any better and pissed because if there isn't a God then what the hell are we doing.

Side Note: I am not in some black hole of depression I am fine. In two minutes I will post Thursday's Tin Truths and we will be back to our regular scheduled program.

Side Note 2: I think there should be a name for people who are in God Purgatory.

Bigger Than Watergate......

dun dun dun, da na , da dun dun dun, dun da nah dun nadah da dun. Wow, I did that perfectly. It's the old school intro song for HBO Movies. Yes I know I am weird. We all have things that remind of us childhood, and we have all read posts about it a thousand times. Tough shit, here is another one.

These are just a few of my favorites, from the 50's. Sike, the 80's.

For me it was Sesame Street Sheets. My cartoons, Shirt Tails (bogey was my favorite) and Smurfs. I loved playing with my Baby Alive. I had a Wuzzle, Strawberry Shortcake Dolls that smelled so freaking good, I played with colorforms and had tons of paper dolls. I loved My Little Pony, Rainbow Brite and of course Hello Kitty. I had a Cabbage Patch Doll and collected Garbage Pail Kid Cards. Yes I remember Poochie and Monchichi.

I wore plastic charms and jelly shoes. I loved banana clips and yes can remember my pink Forenza sweater and Outback Red shirts. Boys were hot if they wore Drakar, Girbaud Jeans and Red Wings. New Coke was all the talk, and everyone hated it. To this day, the smell of Salon Selectives and Rave, can put me right back in 7th Grade.

So yes, I want to know 5 things (come on you can do it) (more if you have the patience) that remind you of childhood.

Side Note: Thanks for playing.