SWF Looking for SMM- 34

----------------------------------------------------

Single white female looking for Single Mute Male.

About me, I am 5'1 1/2, hazel eyes, cute, smart talented, outgoing and funny.

You be- hot, above 6' feet not 6 inches, rich, nice dresser and most importantly a mute. Yes that's right a MUTE. I am tired of the same old bar scene and the blah, blah, blah of most men these days. If you are hot and Mute you are the guy for me. No conversation needed! Just sit there and look hot, pay for my meal and shut the fuck up. 

If this ad interests you please respond with a pic. Thanks, Jag!

-----------------------------------------------------

I am telling you right now. If i ever posted an ad on craigslist that would be my ad, no freaking joke. I really hate the personals side of craigslist, I think it, in itself is an everyday home wrecker. I do however love to read the best of craigslist when I get bored. So for today's tin truths I give you. 

Tin Truths about the men on craigslist.

1. 98% of them cant see their penis

2. Most of them eat people

3. All of them will say they are single, most are married

4. They are not the person in the picture, that person is their uncle, minister someone.

5. This is for the men- "women don't want to see your ugly ass penis" oh crooked one

6. If the their ad has the word normal in it, they rode the short bus

7. If they say they are 30 they are really 45

8. If they say they are 40 they are really 55

9. If they want to offer you a massage they are closet gay and they want to be..........well u know

10. Bottom line if they are on craigslist looking for sex, something is wrong with them.

Side Note: If you or someone you know would like me to write a craigslist ad, I will offer my services for $25 an hour. I am a writer!

Side Note 2: Yes, it's pink duct tape.

Wed WA #2

You know the drill... first word that pops in  your head. I wonder what popped into your head when I said drill and head in the same sentence. Nevermind,  just play already.

Head :: Games

Green :: Lantern

Water :: Babies

Sing :: Song

Death :: Match

Long :: Turn

Ship :: Shot

Count :: Dracula

Window :: Warrior

Friendly :: Fame

Side Note: I really love this game

I hate Walmart..... HATE

I will never understand the people in our lives who get irritated when we are grumpy, when were sick. Go ahead and try to understand that much less say it 3 times fast. So this post isn't going to be all rainbows and unicorns.

I hate Wal-Mart, and I no longer care if people think that makes me a snob. That store sucks ass. I am not sure if its the store I hate or the majority of the people. I went there today because I had to return the playstation 2 that I had got my son for Christmas. Long story short ...I got him the playstation 3 instead, which I love by the way. 

so I go there today to return my item and I decide I am going to walk through the garden section. This way I don't have to walk through hoards of heathen children and freaks who look like they are on acid. Speaking of acid looking freaks, if you are one of these acid freaks don't get all sensitive on me this isn't about you. As I am entering the garden section, troll man stops me and says I cant go through his door with my returns. He says all returns must go through the main doors. At this point my heads starts spinning and green vomit starts protruding out, okay not really. But I did tell this man that I would like to see him stop me. 

I make it to the customer service aka " freak center" and that is when I realized that people are weird. Maybe its that I am hyped up on Nyquil or maybe it was that everyone around me was creeping me the fuck out. I hate that feeling, you know the one where you feel like you are in the middle of an acid party that no one told you about. When you look around you and you wonder are people really this fucked up. 

Anyhow no point to this story, I am still sick, still high on nyquil and still hate walmart.

Side Note: Please tell me that I am not the only one that has seen the freaks come out at walmart.

Suck it FLU!

I am going to try very hard to post every day this year. So while my brain is in "Nyquil Land", I will give it to you old school.

I have decided this year to do a bit of a format. So Mondays will now be for me to ask you what I want to know. 

1. If time machines were real, would you go forward or backward?

I would go forward, I so want to see the future. I want to see the 2200's

2. Do you think Marijuana should be legal?

yes

3. What is one thing you will do differently this year?

stay single.

Side Note: I would sooooooo buy a Nyquil slurpee!

Just A Review...........

I never thought I would be doing a review on a vibrator. I don’t own boxes of sex toys and I’m not a crazy sex addict. I was asked, “What made me think I was qualified to do a review”. I realized I am the perfect person to do these reviews. I’m just a girl, I am honest and I will represent all the 34-year-old women well.

My “Waterproof Jack Rabbit” aka “WJR” was on its way and I didn’t know what to expect. I was told it would ship in 48 hours, and it did. The package is beyond discreet, and the return address is a xyz corporation, stealth mode folks.

I opened the box and there she was in all her glory. I call her she vs. he, because we are a team. The WJR was pink of course, and at first glance was extremely intimidating. My first thought was this thing is huge. I don’t mean like “oh I am so small, huge” I mean like “lord that thing is the size of my arm, huge”. Once I got over the shock I took her out and I felt like I was in a cartoon. Instead of money signs flashing in my eyes it was big “o’s”, lmao.

To read the rest of my review click here.

I have used this a few more times and I love it, sorry mom. I only posted part of my review out of respect to others. If you want to read the full review then please click on the link above. I was cracking myself up the other night. I told my mom that I should be the poster child for Vibrators. I am getting use out of mine and I can't wait to review the next one. I am 34 and this is and was the first time I climaxed from a Vibrator, shocking I know. I cant scream from the rooftops, get a vibrator bitches. But I can let the world know my experiences. 

Side Note: " No animals were harmed or injured during the testing of this product".

HNY

Happy New Year. I decided I was going to start my new year on the 2nd instead of the 1st. 

Typically I don't make new years resolutions. Yes, I might say I want to lose weight or make some other ridiculous resolution but generally by Mid February those thoughts are gone. This year I have decided that 2009 will be the year for me. I will make a conscious decision to do things for me and to make this year about me. Over the past few years I have spent so much of my time worried about other people and worried about other things. I have lost sight of me of what I want of things I need or want to do. Its sad really and it all stops here. I am going to be 35 this year and I am  not wasting anymore time. 

I am excited to see what this new journey bring. I hope its a great year for all.

Side Note: Yes, I have the calendar.

My Swapfest Package

My Swapfest partner was News Readin' Wife over at Breaking News. A few days before Christmas I opened my front door and there sat a box. At first I just looked at it wondering wtf is this and why am I getting a box. When I picked up the box I saw it was addressed to Just a Girl and I got super excited. I felt like a little kid ripping open the tape on top of the box. My first glimmer of the contents inside was pink and silver and zebra, oh my! 

I couldn't believe how much thought she had put into my swap! I opened the card first and its was the little touches she put on everything that made me smile. In my card she mentioned my son, I was touched to say the least. 

Inside the box was a pink martini shaker, with pomegranate martini mix. It was super cute, next I opened a box that was wrapped with the cutest zebra wrapping paper and a pink bow. Inside was a set of 3 lip glosses by, Benefit. Next was a silver basket and inside the basket was a beautiful pink candle, a hello kitty notebook and hello kitty pens. The picture doesn't do the candle justice its absolutely perfect.

Thank you so much "News Readin' Wife" I loved all of it. I hope you love yours as well. 

shes back.........

Yes, like most of you I have been submerged in Holiday CHAOS! As much as I love the holidays I am  happy that they are coming to an end. I can't believe that 2008 has come and gone so quickly. I have so much more to say but this is just a little blurb to let you all know that I am alive. I will be doing my toy review, my swap update, my swap post and much, much more, hopefully by this evening. 

Tin Truths 8 Teen

1. I will be posting my first sex toy review in the next few days.

2. I just got my Christmas tree last night.

3. Flaming Hot Cheetos freaking rock

4. I heard the phrase popping turds for the first time this week and I love it.

5. Today I mailed my swap package, 3 days late. I suck!

6. I want to kiss hot wet lips under some damn misseltoe

7. I saw the new Narnia Movie and I hated it

8. I can't wait to hang up my pink stocking tonight.

9. I saw snow for about 8 minutes with my son and it was pretty cool

10. I am freaking addicted to the enigmo game on the itouch.

Side Note: No that isn't my stocking, but I wish it was!

Wed WA #1

The ole' word association. Yes, I stole it. Yes, it will be here to stay. 

Travel :: Dallas

Expensive :: Sephora

Backspace :: Spellcheck

Traffic noise :: Killing Me

Now see here :: I have a penis. (I don't know why, its word association)

Vegetables :: Cucumbers (No its not because of my previous answer)

Chat :: Freaks

Your calling :: Everything

Weekly : Garbage

Oh! :: Shit

Side Note: Don't be scared just freaking play already!

Side Note 2: Is it just me or does that reindeer look stoned?

Fievel and Fraggle

My son has been begging me for a robo hamster. Last night I decided that I would go look at them, and then get one for him closer to Christmas. They are tiny little things and when I first saw them I didn't like what I saw. There was way too much scurrying going on for my liking. They seemed a little to out of an Indian Jones scene for me. If you have seen Indiana Jones you know what I mean. I gave them a glance and decided fine I would get one closer to Christmas.

But then........................

I walked passed this cage and the there was Fievel. He wasn't scurrying and he seemed to be giving me a show. He was crunching on corn and running in his little wheel. In short, it was love at first sight. I got him out and went on  a search for his friend. I found Fraggle and though he would be a good friend for Fievel, and so I got them both. I got a house, and toys, and food, and treats, and they are so freaking cute.

This morning I woke up and had to take Fraggle back and get a new Fraggle. Old Fraggle wasn't very nice! So today Fievel and Fraggle are doing great. I am going to figure out how to do a live feed and add it to my blog. They don't replace "Blackie' by any means but they are making it easier.

That is my only weekend updates. Now I just really hope that these fuckers don't have babies. Because that would be really gross!!

RIP

Blackie

7/15/03 to 12/12/08

May you rest in peace. 

Thanks for all the support and comments. It truly has helped.

Hug Your Cat Today...

You always hear the stories about checking under the hood for animals when the weather gets cold. Unfortunately I learned this the hard way. I wont get into details, but my cat was in a horrible accident yesterday. Luckily he is going to live its nothing short of a miracle. He will lose most of his tail and his leg is injured pretty bad, but he is going to be okay. 

Point: Hug your pet today and learn from other peoples mistakes.

Side Note: Yes he looks that big in person. I think that's what saved his life.

Threesome In The House.

Okay so maybe not a threesome, but I definitely got tag teamed. Yes, I am laughing my ass off right now. Why? Because I am easily amused.

The rules are simple, tell 7 things about yourself.  I don't do simple, so I will comment on the 7 things that my 3 taggers said in their tag post. 

The first girl to tag me was Melissa over at "Somewhere in the City". 

1) I love tomatoes, I eat them like a piece of fruit. However, I only like ketchup on french fries. 

2) I can pronounce tortilla, hello I live in the south. But I cannot make a "tor-til-la"

3) Wow! Do you have cable?

4) Ditto, I love to shop. I wish I could do it for a living.

5) My favorite movie right now is Miss Potter.

6) Every time I hear Rick Schroeder, it makes me think of an after school special.

7) I usually don't drink on Wednesdays.

The second girl to tag me was Jaime over at "Red Red Whine".

1. Never written a book. But, when I was little I would type up short stories on my typewriter.

2. Wow that is really amazing. Oh and I always wanted to be a lawyer.

3. Bees don't scare me, and everything but a banana makes me break into hives. Not joking.

4. I don't know about favorite but a hammock on the beach anywhere, and I am sold.

5. I don't like pantie lines either, just go without.

6. I also failed parallel parking, and I also don't try it. EVER.

7. I need a personal trainer to punish me.

The third to tag was a boy (gasp) I mean a man, Jormengrund over at "Yet Another Day in Paradise...

(1) I am 5'1 and a half, and one of my best friends calls me a runt.

(2) I don't like kung fu movies or shows at all, and the cutting wood analogy is just weird.

(3) You had me at fantasy, and you lost me at Sci-Fi

(4) I love it all too...Opera, muzak, classical, rock, pop, reggae, soul, r&b, hip-hop, jazz, blues.

(5) I cant sing! Its an amazing talent to have, and it got you to Vegas. Word!

(6) Start saving now! 

(7) I have never wanted to be in a band. But I love Rock Band!

Side Note: I freaking love Slurpee's!

Side Note 2: Technically this is how "tin truths" should work.

I love #7

Yep its a face scrub, but not just any face scrub. This stuff is amazing and I have been using it for a couple of years. I am pretty sure I have just about turned my whole family on to it. The texture is amazing it feels like a soft scrub not sandpaper and its smells so good. What I love about this stuff is the way my face feels after I wash it. Its soooooooo soft and its great to see an immediate difference in any product.

Never A Dull Moment, by Origins ($25)

Side Note: Men if you are wondering what to get your wife for x-mas go back and read the I love series.

Just a Text

We all have one of those friends, who cracks us up. Here is our text from Wednesday. I am M and she is W, creative I know. Can you say stealth mode (insert me cracking up here).

W: Do you think people are looking at me because they know I have a roll?

M: Lol no

W: Maybe they want a bite of my muffins top!

M: That sounds dirty

W: Maybe because im a dirty little (fat) slut. Ewww bite my muffin!

M: Please stop u r making my fat hurt

W: Hey! Im bringing muffins back. Yeah! 

M: Why does it always have to be about u blueberry girl

W: What can I say, fat people are jolly.

M: ho ho ho

W: Oh you want to whip out the fat names you big bowl of jelly! Come on laugh lets see you jiggle!

M: I thought you were going to say don't make me whip out my banana. So I will see your jelly and raise you one Pillsbury.

W: I feel like that dinosaur with short arms when im trying to reach around my fat

M: Is it because of the fat arms or because you secretly want to eat people

W: Listen maybe you can help me pick out some sumo panties that don't make me look so fat.

M: I am so getting sumopanties.com

W: Some people just sat near me, I think they can sense my fat under my tarp.

M: Is this circus code?

W: I mean maybe we should just "roll" with it.

M: Lmfao

Side Note: NO, we aren't making fun of fat people. We both need to lose weight.

Side Note 2: Further more if this offended you, get over it. Its not about you!

Side Note 3: Side note much?

Tin Truths 17

1. I finished my dream office and its looks amazing

2. I am the only person I know who can gain weight dieting, WTF.

3. I am going to start doing reviews for a sex toy site, go figure.

4. My favorite dish on Thanksgiving is my mom's stuffing

5. In 24 hours my Christmas lights will be up.

6. I once had a turtle named Toby

7. That bastard wouldn't play with me so I gave him away.

8. I once had a duck named UD, Ugly Duckling

9. He got too big and  my grandma made me give him away.

10. I freaking love pumpkin pie.

Side Note: Yes, the picture is of my finished dream office. The pic doesn't do it justice. 

35 before 35

So I saw this over at My thirty before 30 journey and decided I was going to steal it. These are 35 things I want do before I am 35. My birthday is in May so I have about 5 months to complete as many of these as possible. I will call it my road to half way to 70, and I will blog about it as I go.

1. Get Eyeglasses, so very sad.

2. Meet one reader from my blog.

3. Have sex, just normal everyday sex.

4. Go to Sunday Brunch at the four seasons.

5. Get a facial.

6. Drive somewhere far. (this is huge trust me!)

7. Spend a day with just my mom.

8. Volunteer at the library.

9. Give a homeless person a meal.

10. Learn a new recipe.

11. Cut 3 inches of my hair.

12. Loose 20 pounds.

13. Go to a museum.

14. Visit a bar in Austin I have never been too.

15. Take my son to feed ducks, (tween alert, this could be hard)

16. Visit a winery.

17. Get a Pedicure (simple things)

18. Buy a new matching, panty and bra set.

19. Donate at least 10 items to charity.

20. Read or watch "Pride and Prejudice".

21. Go on a picnic.

22. Kidnap J for the day and hit all the dive bars in Taylor, again!

23. Go to Vegas.

24. Kiss a Stranger, just kiss.

25. For one week, give my son a dollar for every cuss word I say.

26. Read a book.

27. At least attempt the Lemonade Diet.

28. Walk a mile a day for 14 days straight.

29. Write a letter and mail it.

30. Try a Gin and Tonic.

31. Go to a concert.

32. Look at a loft downtown, on the inside.

33. Paint a picture.

34. Take B to dinner.

35. Go to church.

For the past 3 years I have only done a couple of these, like the facial and reading the book. I am now single and have a new job, a fresh start if you will. These are things I should do for ME without thought, yet I didn't and I don't. 

Now I will, and I can't wait to blog about each and every one of them. Go ahead steal it, what a great way to motivate yourself to do for yourself. Deep is as Deep does. Oh shit, I crack myself up. I might have to write a book, and then I could call it "just a book". I will stop now, thanks for playing.

Side Note: Yes the fish and the duck are related. For those of you who don't know what that means, enter at your own risk.  You can get one here. 

I want to know...........

Why do you blog? 

oh

and come on in lurkers, and leave a comment!

Suck it BCS.

I find it absolutely amazing that we are #3, give me a freaking break. Texas deserves to be #2 and the BCS rankings can kiss my ass.

In other news I really love all things Christmas. I love the weather, I love the smell of Christmas trees and I love writing Christmas lists.

RPM,  "aka" The South 40, sent me like 16 bags of Mothers circus animal cookies. I have been in a sugar coma ever since Saturday. Mike you rock. mini side note: Ken also has cookies for me I just havent sent him my address yet. mini side note 2: no I am not sharing my damn cookies with you bastards.

Got Swap! I have been building my pile and checking it twice, I cant wait to see all the posts on your swaps!

Side Note: Every time I say "swap" it makes me think of swapping spit! WTF is wrong with me.

Just a Moment

I wouldn't call myself a deep person. However, there are times in my life when I feel like I get these signs. At times I sit out at night and I see the stars and when i look i up see the big dipper and I think to myself i am exactly where i am supposed to be in my life. I realize to most people that this probably sounds really weird. I guess most would compare it too deja vu. Others would call it an epiphany. I like to call it an awakening. I realized today that I am the happiest I think I have ever been in my life. I watched a show this afternoon called "August Rush". What an amazing movie, I love movies with great endings and they seem to touch me, inspire me. I wont tell you about the ending, you will have to watch it to find that out. I will tell you that something as simple as "sometimes you have to listen to hear the music" struck a cord, no pun intended. When the movie was over I walked out to my back porch. I have been out there a thousand times, this time was different. It was cold and windy the air felt cool and open, and I did listen. Yes I only heard trees swaying and wind blowing and I heard the cars on the highway a mile away, i heard the tires go over every bump in the road. But everything was louder, more intense and the sound was beautiful. In that moment a smile was across my face, I haven't felt that smile in a few years. At that moment I had an awakening. I am happy, I am happy with me and I am happy in my life.

I will now sit and patiently wait for the next awakening but this time the wait wont seem as hard.

Side Note: Back to our regularly scheduled program tomorrow.

10 Things I Am Thankful For

On Thanksgiving we go around the table and I only get to say 1 thing I am thankful for, so here are ten.

1. I am thankful to have such an amazing son. He is the highlight of my life, I adore his humor and I am lucky to get to watch him grow into such a beautiful young man.

2. I am thankful for my mom. My mom is my best friend and without her I would be lost. She is my rock and one hell of a grandma. Mom, I love you, more than words will ever be able to express. Thank for having me, lol!

3. I am thankful for my family and friends. Over the years you realize this is really the most important part.

4. I am thankful for Bob. He is my Dad, my mentor, my friend and my confidant. I adopted him or I should say he adopted me a few years back. I never had a "Dad" in  my life. He makes up for all that and more. I am very thankful that he came into my life. He is my guardian angel.

5. I am thankful for my new job. I no longer own my own business, and man am I happy about it. I love job and I love the people I work with. I cant wait to see what the next year brings me.

6. I am thankful for my new office. I work from home and I put together a dream office this week. Now I feel like I am in a happy place for my workday instead of a cave.

7. I am thankful that I am alive, if I was dead that would really suck.

8. I am thankful that I am single. Life is seriously too short for all that drama that occurred. 

9. I am thankful for my blog. My blog was here for me when I needed an outlet for my sadness. Now its here for all thoughts JAG. I love my blog and I am thankful for all the people I have met to date.

10. I am thankful for November. And no, I didnt run out of things to be thankful for. I really am thankful for November. Its my favorite month of the whole year. I love November, I love Thanksgiving, and I love the weather. So thank you, November.

Side Note: Happy Thanksgiving!

Oh I get it "fast"

Yes by now you know I am a dork. That being said I also must throw in that I am a VERY cool mom, sometimes. So I am sitting on the couch with my son, talking about his day. He starts telling me about how "gay" the jocks are. How they sit around and talk about their pec's which cracked me up, because my son also talks about his "muscular chest". The point being he would rather have lunch with a beautiful girl then chest beaters. I asked him, do you ever tell them they are gay. He says no and goes on to complain about another boy and how he is fast. Me thinking "fast" is the new tween word, I start asking a ton of questions to figure out what the word means. 

This is where my son says, "what is wrong with you". I said, "what I get it "fast, I just want to know what it means. 

He responds, "wow mom, you know he runs fast. or he is the fastest runner in the school. Needless to say I felt like a dumb ass. 

Lesson of the day: 1, this is a boring ass post. 2, sometimes a word is just that.... a word.

I rub my fishie......................

Orion, was the first one to guess it. Yes, its a vibrator. Or should I say "massager", either way it cracks me up. A fish vibrator, I have now truly seen it all. You might be asking what part even vibrates, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...............the tail and the eyes. So yeah, you can get your bean all excited with a fish eye if you want and it will only set you back $22.99.

Here is the description and a link to purchase it.

I rub my fishie, $22.99

Funky waterproof vibrating fish massager. Simply squeeze its side to turn it on or off. Its strong motor generates quiet vibrations in the bulgy eyes and tail. Simply relax as powerful waves of vibration sooth away the stresses and tensions of life. 

Should be Simple Enough

What is this? 

Side Note: Guesses are Free- and you win nothing!

I Love #6

Yes its a brush folks, but not just any brush. This freaking thing is AmaZing, and I love it. I personally use it for bronzer. However, it works great for blush and powder as well. I think I have turned on just about everyone I know to this thing. Oh and as I have said before when applying bronzer use a 3 motion on your face, it makes a huge difference. 

Bronzer Brush, by Prescriptives ($32)

Side Note: This brush also won Allure's 2008 Best of Beauty award. 

Side Note 2: I had the brush waaaaaaaaaaaaay before it was cool to have it.

Titty Tidbits

I sneezed this morning and literally blew snot bubbles. And NO I am not being dramatic, I am talking about huge bubbles of snot. Pretty Freaking Nasty.

I also told quite a few people yesterday that I was going to buy dog/baby doors for my office. Why might you ask? Because, I wanted to keep my cat out of there. This is where I admit I had a serious blonde moment...............my cat jumps 8 foot fences. 

Where in the hell has my brain gone?

Side Note: I have gone back to google image hell. Due to all the nasty ass brain pics, you got bubbles. And if you really want to get your gag on......go ahead and google snot bubbles under images I dare you, note the pic is no longer of bubbles. 

Tin Truths 6 Teen

1. For the first time in my life I lost my voice

2. On December 1st I am going to do the Lemonade Diet (will see)

3. I watched my first full "Dexter" episode and I liked it

4. Carpet will be installed next Wednesday

5. I got sized for a Bra, damn that makes a huge difference

6. I am in search of my next "eager beaver"

7. I started a new job and I freaking love it

8. Quantum of the Solace was just ok!

9. My favorite dressing is Raspberry Walnut Vinagrette 

10. The Swapfest swag is going to kick ass

Side Note: Thanks to Ken for the Pic.

Lets Get Our SWAPFEST ON!

Finally, we are ready to get our SWAP on. I don't know about y'all but I am ready to do this.

Originally the deadline to send your SWAP packages out, was December 1st. That has now changed to December 15th. Below I have listed your swap partners. By Midnight tonight everyone will get an email from me with details of your swap partner. The links below are highlighted with your partners blog so that you can do your due diligence and learn a little about your new swap friend. I really love  the word swap although it does sound so dirty.

Rules are simple. Send a package to your partner and get a package in return. I didn't put a dollar amount on this swap or an item minimum. Send what you like and have no expectations of what you will get in return. You can send a package of 10 items or one item, I don't really care. Be creative and have it reflect your style or your partners. As mentioned before everyone will receive a gift from me for participating., and yes its going to be awesome. 

If for some reason anyone doesn't want to participate or cant participate just let me know in email and I will take up the slack. This is meant to be fun and hopefully can be done twice a year moving forward. Lets all make this interesting and I cant wait to see what everyone gives out. Happy Swapping! 

Here are your partners

Justagirl   and   Breaking News

Mom   and   Gimme The Juice

Diaries of the Professor   and   Yet Another Day in Paradise

Ken's Blog   and   Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

Chaos Free Living   and    Silicone Alley

Thoughts That Are Deep   and    My Everyday Soap (Opera)

Biddy's World   and    SnackReligious

Jannie Funster   and   A Little Left of Lost

Single Mom Seeking   and   It's Serious This Time

Life As It Is   and   One Day At A Time

A Whole Mess Of Rollo   and    The South 40

Tracie-licious   and   Just Kim U

Side Note: Mom is my Mom and I will send Gimme a full profile. Also by default I will be adding Leslie at Chaos Free Living to my swap (I owe her).

Side Note 2: Lets do this bitches!

Tween Word of the Day #2

Ankle Spanker

A man who owns a very large penis, or has very short legs and an average size penis.

Phrase:

Ow! Youre not stepping on my toes. Thats my ankle spanker.

Side Note: See WTF below to get the  just of it. AND who the fuck made up that dumb ass phrase, get the just of it. hmm.

WTF? Volume 11 Edition 14

Side Note: Mom, I apologize in advance. I had to do it.

First off let me admit that something might be wrong with me, that or I have a warped sense of humour. Oh and I sure did have to backspace since just then, and replace it with sense. Why, because I am a freaking idiot. 

Putting a picture of yogurt in this post is wrong in so many ways, but like I always say "its my blog".

So one time at band camp..........actually last night in the car, my son and I were having a discussion and somewhere in that discussion "ankle spanker" came up. Now I can pretty much assure you that I don't have some weird kid walking around wearing my panties. I really only throw in the pantie part because of this show I watched about psycho killer Doug Clark who did wear his moms panties, but hey that is another story. Back to "ankle spankers"! When my son says this my mouth drops and I say WTF, literally WTF? I immediately thought it meant grabbing ankles and getting spanked. Why? I guess because my mind is demented and lives in the gutter. Lucky for me and my son, it wasn't what I thought it was. 

So I said what the hell does that mean. Son says IDK, and yes he says IDK not I don't know (if you have kids you will get it). Me being the great researcher, I head to google and grab the definition. Considering the only definition was under Urban Dictionary I didn't feel quite as bad. Now after this history lesson, talk turns to slang for masturbation. I again go to google and have decided to post my 3 favorite slang words for masturbation. As far as what "ankle spanker" stands for. That will come next in "tween word of the day" until then enjoy the slang below. 

Male Masturbation (these are all wrong on sooooo many levels)

Burping the Worm

Squeeze the Cream from the Flesh Twinkie

Slapping the Snot out of Shorty 

Female Masturbation

Paddling the Pink Canoe

Gagging the Clam

Soaking the Whisker Biscuit

Side Note 2: Happy Friday! Hope this makes up for not posting all week and being a liar.

Tin Truths 15

1. I got a new job.........and its awesome

2. The person that jumped me was a girl

3. Thanksgiving this year is going to be like ole' times. TX vs A&M

4. I sang Baby Got Bank and Ice Ice Baby at Karoke Hell this week.

5. I nixed the stained concrete and am now moving on to Carpetville

6. I learned new slang words for masturbation, look for WTF

7. I think I am turing into an olive and it sucks

8. Yes its that time, and my boobs have been in my hands all week

9. No not that time, just handle my boobs time.

10. Best thing about winter, getting a new pink sweatsuit, JUICY.

Side Note: I dare you to go to Google Images and type in Masturbation. That pic was almost the monkey. lol.

NTR 17

Yes I have been Crazy Busy. My goal this week is to post once a day maybe twice if I am feeling Froggy.

Football this weekend was interesting to say the least. Its been a long time since I watched 3 games in a day. Am I glad Iowa won, yes. Am I glad Texas is #3, yes. Am I glad Fucking Tech won, no.

A Bar with roaches = freaking sick. Yes they were crawling on the bar and NO it wasn't a dive. Needless to say my ass wont be frequenting that place anytime soon. Nor will I be going to the bar/restaurant that I was assaulted at on Saturday. LONG story. But trust me I am fine, and yes I did press charges. I don't fight and I am not white trash, but for some reason this just wasn't my weekend.

You guys are cracking me up with the Tin Truths. I will be responding to these later once I get caught up. 

For those of you that don't know what a Mexican Martini is. Its basically just a margarita served in a cocktail shaker with a martini glass. They also add a little olive juice to the margarita and of course an olive skewer in the glass. I like mine FILTHY!

10 truths 14

1. I am now reading "I hope they serve beer in hell".

2. I have two lead marks on my palms from childhood. 

3. I got them from sticking a pencil in my left hand. twice

4. My high score on brick breaker is 9640

5. I had a date with myself the other night, damn I am good

6. I can eat olives with anything, I freaking love em'

7. I actually wore a bra 3x this week, weird I know

8. I can't wait for christmas

9. My new "now" drink, is the Mexican Martini, DIRTY.

10. I hope when I die I don't come back as a plant.

Side Note: Yes I know this is a day late but thanks to technology, its really not late at all.

SWAPFEST UPDATE!

24 participants and I am pretty freaking excited. Below are all the people who have dared to join Swapfest. If you see your name in RED please click on this LINK and fill out this online form QUICKLY, so that I can match people up. If for any reason you no longer want to participate then no worries, just shoot me an email. If you have already joined and you dont see your name below, send me an email. justagurl74@gmail.com 

I am going to give the damn procrastinators a few more days to get there forms filled out and then we are off to match city. I will have all the swap buddies ready by Friday. I want to have a mail by date of December 5th. This gives everyone plenty of time to send off their swaps. 

As I said before this isn't about quantity or how much you spend. I thought about putting a price on this swap, but I decided against it. I make the rules here at JAG. Be creative and expect nothing! Send your partner something old, something pink, 10 things, 8 things. Send whatever you want. Send a good book and a blankie shoot I dont care, just send something and put some thought into it. As stated earlier everyone that participated in the swap will be receiving a gift from me. Its going to be a surprise and amazingly awesome, so NO hints. 

Here is the list, the bad guys are the ones in RED. LMAO!

1. Tracie @ tracielicous

2. Brad @ diariesoftheprofessor

3. Kim @ justkimu

4. Ken @ kensblog

5. Mike @ thesouth40

6. Far @ everydaysoap

7. Karen @ chaosfreeliving

8. Danielle @ danielle-leftyloosy

9. Rollo @ messofrollo

10. Partrice @ patrice0x0x

11. Crazy Lady @ thoughtsthataredeep

12. Jormen @ jormengrund-yetanother

13. idamomb @ idamomb

14. Monica @ siliconealley

15. Jamie @ gimmethejuice

16. Tara @ lifeasitis22

17. Kaylen @ lifeofkaylen

18. Jenny @ snackreligous

19. Jen @ strugglinginspringfield

20. Alsyon @ wantedgoodhome

21. Rachel @ singlemomseeking

22. Jannie @ janniefunster.com

23. Brandy @ biddysworld

24. JAG @ justagirl34

we are all screwed!

I am 34 and for the first time in my life I think we are screwed. Neither opponnet has woo'ed me and neither one has come close. Last night I watched Palin on SNL, and it made me cringe. What in the hell was Mc Cain thinking?

Tonight, hug your kids and tell your family you love em'. 

We are in for a rocky road either way.

#5 is not #1

I am in major mourning, over TEXAS. What a freaking roller coaster ride. I drank two mexican martinis, one red bull w/vodka and one jager bomb. All of that and I couldn't catch a buzz. I was too wound up, and it sucked. 

November is one of my favorite months. Its not too cold and not too hot, its just right. Why do I feel like I am quoting goldilocks, uhhhhhh cause I am. I like to call this chili, potato soup, down comforter throw weather. My X used to make fun of me every year when it got cold. The first day it got down to 70 I would want to light the fireplace and make a huge pot of chili. I am freaking weird. 

I boycotted giving out Candy on Halloween, and shoot I am going to hell. Swapfest Info will be updated no later than Wednesday. I am waiting on info back from just a few of you. 

Side Note: My Grandmother makes amazing potato soup, as soon as idamomb  gives me the recipe I will post it.

Side Note 2: This is a boring ass post.

I love #5

These cloths are the awesome. I got these as a sample from Sephora about a month ago. I guess you can say I drank the "blu-ray" koolaid. You wash your face with these and yes they make a huge difference and they are re-usable. You go over each part you are washing for 10 strokes. I love, love, love these

blu-ray polshing cloths, by Cargo ($15)

Side Note: Tomorrow I will be posting the final names for my Swapfest. So technically you still have 48 hours to join. Happy Saturday.

Double D

Holy Cow! I have been crazy freaking busy. I am cracking myself up right now because I just went through 88 emails to find Jen's email, over at One Day at a Time. Last week she did this cool post where someone gave her a letter, then she named 10 things that she loved which started with that letter. Breathe.....that was a long ass sentence. Anywho I got the letter D, here are my 10. If you want a letter tell me in the comments and I will give you one. 

dick

diamonds

dice

daisy's

dancing

december

dreams

drinkimg

da family

ducks

10 Truths 13

1. When I had chocolate pudding and pickles, it was a peter tosh night.

2. My poop smells like dog shit, seriously it does

3. I am thinking about going ba-humbug for Halloween. will see

4. The first bottle of wine always matters, the second one........not so much

5. I absolutely cannot parallel park

6. I also, cant seem to park close enough to the gas pump

7. I have decided that I have great nipples

8. Just once I want to show "Hellmuth" Q/10 not suited.

9. I am on a serious mission to lose 15 pounds

10. This time tomorrow a group of "outside workers" will be staining my concrete.

Happy Birthday!

S. Smiles

I love you and I miss you. Happy Birthday!

Weekend Report

I know! I am a lazy ass! I've pretty much convinced myself that I am going to get dispatcher ass. Oh and as always, if you are dispatcher this is in no way judging. If you are a dispatcher and you are pissed right now, then you already have dispatcher ass. Either way not my problem this isn't about you. I wish I could say this post was going to be groundbreaking, but its just not.

• Still a Virgin. No Sex! No Kissing! Nothing!
• Went to "Hogeye' and good times were had by all.
• Texas won of course.
• I ate chocolate pudding w/pickles with a handful of chips....weird
• Favorite Quote last week. It can't all be Peace, Love and Unicorns. Do you know who said it?

Now I get to go find out what you fuckers did this weekend. Oh and I got a BlackBerry and I freaking love it, I am already super freaking addicted. Some of you might have noticed this from the 3 am responses from my phone, ha ha lmao.

Side Note: Why is it that all unicorn pictures look like some 80's throwback.? We have defamed the Unicorn and its pretty sad.

Side Note 2: UHHHHHH yeah it took spell check for me to see that I spelled Ass, Azz. I am an idiot today.

I love #4

I never got the whole primer thing, honestly I thought it was a crock. Today I am a believer. This is a eyeshadow primer, basically you put in on your eyelids before eyeshadow. Does it make your eyeshadow last longer? yes. Can you use it alone? yes. Does it make a difference? yes.

Eyeshadow Primer Potion, by Urban Decay ($16)