now what.........

It' so weird to think that its been over a year since I have written a post. I love how in my darkest and brightest times, I always return here. My place, my place to do and say whatever the hell I want. Oh how I have missed you.

I didn't cry today. I didn't wake up angry. I woke up done!

A week ago, I said over and over, if I am not a mom then who I am. Who is that person and what in the hell am I going to do now. YES, my son came home on a Sunday and said 6 words that forever changed my life. I WANT TO LIVE WITH MY DAD! I cried and cried and cried some more. How? Why? We sat on the couch and together we cried. He told me loved me, and that I have given him everything. That he had given me 16 years and he just wanted to give his dad 2. He left 3 days later..........

Today to the day its been a week. The worst week of my life.

But something happened this morning. A change, a change in me. I remembered #19 - "It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else."

and in that moment....... I said I got this. I dyed my hair, I have lost 5 pounds simply from not eating, I am giving my cats to a good home, I am moving to a smaller apartment, I FINALLY burned my sisters letters. My family is freaking, they say wait a month before you make any big decisions you might regret. NO!!!!!!

I AM an amazing mother. I have raised a beautiful child and that in itself is priceless. I will not spend one more day crying and unable to leave my couch. I will chop off all my hair in a week. I will move in less then 45 days. I will give my cat's away. I will find a new job. I will have meaningless sex with whoever I choose. I will not buy any groceries. I will change my friends. I will change my life.

I have spent 16 years giving everything in me to one purpose, raising my kid. And I did a damn good job. But now, its my second childhood and I can promise you its going to be the best one EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!


RPM said...

You might want to hold up on chopping all your hair off, but the meaningless sex part I can help you with!

Good to see you're still alive and kickin'.

::kacy:: said...

You're back :) and it seems like life is crazy! Good to see you blog. Plz don't wait too long again!

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Elise said...

Welcome back!

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Thumbs up.

Really great job! You can be really proud of yourself!

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dolphin said...

I know your post was a while ago now, but I couldn't help but want to reply. You need to congratulate yourseff on bringing up a son who felt confident enough in your love to be able to say that thing to you.

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