so last night at 2:30 in the morning my brain wouldn't let me sleep. I seem to have insomnia of sorts lately or maybe its insomnia of the brain. It took everything in me not to login to blogger and let out a thousand thoughts. I just kept hearing my mom and her damn 24 hour rule, you know wait 24 hours before you send the awful email, pissed off text, etc. I am not even mad at anyone in particular just people in general. My dad for not being a dad and then dying. A friend for not seeing who I really am. Others, who seem to have judgement on everything I do yet spend very little time in my life. I get up and I get dressed just like everyone else. I do my best not to pass judgement on others in my life. Maybe I should do a better job at not passing judgement period. Maybe this is my karma, my payback. Its funny last night and for most of the day yesterday I kept hearing words in my head. Words that have been said to me over the past month from so called friends and my family. Its allot to take in sometimes, every ones thoughts and opinions on your life.
Well if you have read my blog before then you know I haven't been as close to god as I probably should be. And yes I spell it with a little g. In October of last year I read "the shack" and for the most part that has changed. We have our talks now and were working out the kinks. Last night I was so frustrated that I grabbed his book and put it on my chest and screamed FINE I give up. Then I said what I seem to always say which is show me a sign. So I told myself I am going to open this book and will just see what I am "supposed to read". When I opened it, it was the last page of Job and the point basically was to pray for your friends and in return good will come to you. Yes not groundbreaking, but it made sense to me. I prayed for my friends and I had a talk with god and I slept with my bible.
Today, I am not cured. I haven't witnessed a miracle. However, I know I can do this. I am going to be fine. I do feel better today. Maybe I need to just do what I need to do and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. and just maybe I NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE FAITH!
Side note: thanks god!