Randomesque

I think its the rain or something but today has already been about as random as it could be at 10:33 am. 

I got up this morning early as hell and took my son to school. I decided I would get him one of those steak and egg burritos from jack-n-box. Lets talk about these things for a minute. I am not a big fast food girl, but these are so freaking good. Its eggs, tater tots and steak meat (think taco bell steak meat) all wrapped in a tortilla. I know this sounds crazy but if you haven't had one of these go get one. I am not sure why I did this to myself considering I am not eating food for 10 days. Although, I think the smell alone will carry me through the rest of today.

Then I came home and guess who was waiting for me at the door. I can tell you it wasn't some hot ass guy coming over to do dirty things to my body. damn! It was that freaking cat. Yes, the one that showed up and decided it was going to move in. The one I hate! The one that will be taken to the pound. Oh and save all your sad stories this cat is soooooooooo not my problem.

Next I decided I needed to venture into some porn this morning. I don't know why. Well I do know why, apparently I am a perverted freak who needs to watch sex so I don't forget how to do it. Actually there are times that I really enjoy watching porn. I wont spend a lot of time on this because "mom" reads you know. But today I had to crack up. Generally I like pretty porn, many pretty people. I don't want to watch nastyness and I prefer pretty basic stuff. Today I go to youporn. I didn't want to waste a lot of time so I went to top rated for the year. I clicked on one video called "on cloud nine". At first glance I thought this is sooooo gay, and by gay I don't mean sword touching! The other gay you know the harmless one. Anywho, after watching a few minutes of it I was surprisingly turned on. Afterwards I thought this is the perfect porn video for women who act all shocked about porn. It really was like a wedding night porn shoot but realistic. If your interested go check it out. I would love to know what someone else thought.

Now that I have shared the two things I am clearly lacking in my life. Food and Sex, I will get back to work.

MC Day 2....wowzer

Day 2 on Master Cleanse........Click here to read.

MC Day 1 Update

I am now adding a link to my sidebar for anyone that wants to read about my journey on this detox. Here is my first update..........Day 1 update.

Somebody help me!

Okay so after a year of procrastination I finally did it. I bought the lemons, syrup and pepper. Today will be day one of the master cleanse. Now, my blog will not turn into a huge master cleanse blog. But I will be letting all you peeps know my progress. 

So on Day 1 my fat ass weighed in at 170! Yes folks there is a reason I am doing this cleanse. I will let anyone know that is doing this for the first time. The Syrup is not cheap at all. $16 dollars a bottle and that will only last a couple of days. I am going to attempt to do this cleanse for the full 14 days so any support would be great.

This morning I made the concoction. 2 liters of water, 12 tbls of lemon juice, 12 tbls of maple syrup (grade b or higher only) and 1/4 tsp of cayenne pepper. I have read in other places that people said the lemonade was great. I am here to tell you, it's not so great. The cayenne gives it a strange flavor, that is NOT appealing. Because of this tomorrow I will be taking cayenne capsules instead.

With this detox/diet you are supposed to do a salt water flush. Forever, named SWF in my posts. This consists of 2 tsp of sea salt mixed in with 1 liter of water. This has to be drank quickly and then after be close to the toilet. Enough said!

I am half way through my first day and I am feeling fine. I am working on getting the lemonade down and not looking forward to my SWF! Anywho I will now finish my post with what I would eat right now if I could eat something. AKA "what I am craving".

Biscuits- Fluffy ones from Monument Cafe. With a big slab of real butter from Truluck's.

Fried Chicken- this one is funny because I really don't like fried chicken at all. But I want about 16 pieces of fried chicken. The kind my mom used to make in that cast iron skillet, when I was like 8!!!!

Okra- Well done from Golden Fried

Coleslaw- From KFC, BABY!

and to wash it all down a big freaking glass of tea, two splenda's please!

Side Note: I really hope I have the willpower to get through this!

i guess in my world everything blows up.

This is coming real time from the blackberry so forgive the format and lack of pic till tomorrow.

I am not sure I will ever be able to top tonight. This will give you a real view into my crazy ass mind.

I am laying in bed just now, watching tv. The house is quiet and I am rubbing my feet together to put myself to sleep. When all of a sudden I hear a very loud rumbling, shaking crazy ass sound coming from the tv.I jump up and run over to the tv area and start picking up everything. I am beyond panic mode I am freaking out. I pick up the cable box terrified its going to electrocute me nothing.I lift the entire table my tv is on nothing. I look to the wires behind the tv and I realize shit something is about to blow up and the surge protector is going to explode.

I open the bedroom door and scream to my x. Get in here something is about to blow up. I pass him and stand far away then I realize I have to get my son out of this house. I am headed to be a hero when I hear my x say uhhhh. I turn around and go back to the danger zone my x then looks at me and then at the drawer in the table my tv is on.

Omg! In that moment I realize I am an idiot. I realize I just freaked the fuck out. My heart is beating out of my chest and I am cracking the hell up. All that screamimg and all I can think is thank god my son didn't wake up.

So what was it? Well my little green vibrator had turned itself on and was vibrating the drawer. Man was that loud too damn funny.

I wonder....

1. Is it really legal to go 5 miles over the speed limit?

2. Why no one told me super gluing my tire was wrong?

3. Why the day after you drink a lot, you can see better?

4. Why drinking blue drinks make you poop blue?

5. Why men don't have manners, smacking is not cool.

Tin Truths 25

1. I went to Fado's for St. Patricks day and didn't have one green beer.

2. I really wish my new cat would get a new home.........

3. Is looking forward to life getting back to normal after spring break.

4. I sometimes wish in the workplace girls would act more like boys!!!

5. I have been horny for like 88 days I think I am heat.

6. I wish everyone could be in Austin during SXSW week.

7. As of today I officially have a white trash yard. 

8. Has decided Sunday is my official catch up on my blogs day.

9. I have a huge bruise on my hand and it sucks.

10. I really, really, really need some food...

I want too...........

Rock out with my Cock out

man that cracks me up and I love saying it. Yes, I am 34 and I just heard that the other day. Anywho I decided to make up a few of  my own.

Makeout with my Snake out

Stroll out with my Pole out

a friend came up with 

Shove out with my Love out

Hang out with my Wang out

Go ahead give me your best one. I am super excited over this post. Its just not fair that boys get to have all the fun and all the fun sayings. If I had a penis for a day I would just walk around and slap people with it. I think there is something wrong with me.

Side Note: Yes, I know I am dork. Little things people, little things.

Side Note 2: Ask your friends for there slang version too, it will get addicting. I have been walking around and making up sayings for two days. Cracking myself up right now.

Tin Truths Twenty Four

1. I am afraid to admit that I like a few "lady gaga" songs.

2. Today I am going to buy reading glasses at walgreen's......dont ask.

3. I have been craving cereal all week and last night honey bunches of oats hit the spot.

4. I started making ranch out of the packets and I love it.

5. My second sex toy review is coming in the next couple of days.

6. We came home to dead hamsters.

7. and I hate the kitty kat

8. I am starting to come out of my funk, I think

9. I can't wait for the "Old Settlers Festival"

10. Tonight I will see a band called "Pride and Joy", I hope they are good.

Maybe it's just the wine.....

or maybe its just me. Do you ever feel like you are just going through the motions? Does it ever piss you off? Its funny, I read venus and mars. Why did I read it? Maybe it was because I wanted to understand the differences in men and women. Maybe it was because I wanted to understand the role I played in failed relationships. Why, does it really matter. I get that men are physical and women are emotional. That's what makes us so different. That's what sets us apart and that is what drives the assumption on both parties. I am in a situation I don't want to be in. My ex still hasn't moved out of my house. This was suppose to happen every week for the past 12 weeks. It hasn't because. I am emotional and him leaving is also because I am emotional. Because I feel emotion, because I have a heart. But that heart has done nothing but bring me heartache. Being the nice person letting people walk on  me. I feel violated in the worst way, violated for the very same thing that women seem to get a beating for daily. Not a beating in the literary term, but a beating because of our emotions. Are we jaded, bitchy, on our period, depressed give me a fucking break. Maybe we are just feeling what you are incapable of feeling. Maybe it just not that fucking deep. I understand hormones, I understand before any other person in my life when my body is going through monthly changes. Hello, I am 34 and I get it I am living in it. I also understand that not everything can be chalked up to that. When women have been in bad relationships or have commitment issues it always seems that there is some man standing on the outside looking in saying oh she is jaded. No, I am not jaded, I am smart and over it and deserve something more. Deserve someone to give me that same emotion back in my life. I am a single mom, I don't use it as a crutch and I don't expect any special treatment. But until you are in my shoes you will never understand it. I don't want to clean up after another person man or women. I don't want to have to hear your opinions when you offer nothing positive to me in return. This can be said for women and men in my life. I get that I have major trust issues, they are mine and I will own them. But I also understand what I have to give and me expecting more is not a fault and does not make me jaded.

Its funny when I write I worry so much about what you will think or where the fuck my commas are. Its ridiculous and it pisses me off, makes me mad at me for caring what you might think, for wondering what you might assume. For feeling like I have to double explain myself so I am not perceived as jaded, bitchy, prejudice and a  million other adjectives that I don't feel like googling right now.

I started this blog because I wanted a place to say whatever I wanted and put it out there for who ever wanted to read it. Yes my blog is pink and girly that is me. But its also soulful and real. We are people, we all want to be heard, understood and loved. I don't visit your blogs everyday. I don't comment on every post I read. I don't keep my house spotless. I pay my bills late. I stay in pajamas entire weekends sometimes and dread the sound of my phone ringing. I procrastinate. I yell at my son sometimes when he has done nothing wrong. I am not perfect, I am me. 

I don't need an intervention. I am fine, I just wish people could understand me. Especially the ones that are in my life daily. Come to my blog and read it because it brings you something, not because I may or may not visit yours. I am real, I have feelings and today I am down. Tomorrow I will pick myself up and be that funny, happy, cotton candy, girl. Until then........you get the real me.

The rest of the story...............

Paul Harvey is a legend. My mom and my stepdad turned me on to him years ago. My mom to this day says "and the rest of the story is". Listening to Paul Harvey was like watching an episode of Little House On The Prarie. Every story had a moral to it.

He dies last weekend at 90 and he will be missed.

To read the story click here.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/02/28/paul.harvey.obit/index.html?section=cnn_latest

Google is as google does.

Okay, so everybody posts their favorite google pic. I always though that was sooooooooo gay. Until today!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here ya go.

Side Note: What was your favorite Dr. Seuss?

Mom, this is an air compressor...Part 2 of 2

We finally figured out that the air valve thingy was leaking so I went back in the store and bought super glue. When I came back outside there was a maroon "hooptie" with ghetto rims parked super close to my car. A hispanic was drivng this car, mid 30"s and believe it or not he was wearing a white shirt with Chronic or something on the front of it. Now, I am not even going to debate some stereo type bs with any of you, this is my damn story so deal with it.

After I super glue this thing to my tire I stand up and realize that I can't find my wallet. I start looking everywhere, thinking maybe the wind blew it away. The whole time my son is staring down the mexican in the next car and yes, at this point in the story I can call him "mexican" if I want. In my mind I am thinking my son shouldn't be staring this poor man down. A few minutes later the "mexican" goes int the store and my son is close behind. I yell to my son "baby, it's not in the store". About 5 minutes later my son comes out. When I see him I know that something is wrong. He is already tall but in these few seconds he looks like he has grown about 5 feet taller and he is pissed!!!!!!!!

He gets in the car and gives me my wallet. I immediately ask if that man had it. He matter of factly tells me to check my wallet right now and to make sure that everything is in it.

Apparently my son thought the guy was shady. He followed him in the store and hid behind an isle. When the guy was coming around the corner my son jumped out and saw him stuffing my wallet in his pants. At that moment he told the guy "give me that right now" and the guy did.

People always give that look when I say I am a single mom. Like they feel sorry for me. I am the luckiest girl in the world and although it was scary that he did stand up for me, I am very proud of him for doing so. I love you, B.

Side Note: I guess I did something right? or did I?

Side Note 2: Yes I have that wallet and yes I love it.

Mom, this is an air compressor...Part 1 of 2.

Yes, I am a girly girl. I am the girl at the gas station who opens her hood and has no freaking idea how to check her oil. So yeah, the dikes hate me and the boys love me.

A few days ago, my low tire pressure light comes on. Since I was going out of town, I decide to have my son try and figure this out. We pull up to the air pump thing and I get my .75 ready. Then I hand it over to the boy and tell him to go to work. My son says "mom, what are we even doing", uhhhhhhhhhh I have no idea. I tell him "we are going to put air in the tire". I have never put air in my tires, so I was clueless. I tell my son to just start putting air in it. Here is where it gets funny.

He puts air in my tire for about 5 seconds and then he stops. Then another 5 seconds and then he stops. I finally tell him, too just keep putting air in it and to stop stopping. He then looks at me with the most serious look ever and says:

"Mom, do you even know what we are dealing with here? This is an air compressor and if we aren't careful, this whole thing is going to blow up".

So maybe reading it isn't funny but, I am the biggest hypoconriacte and in that moment I realized he is my child.

Side Note: and then I got robbed............................................

It's a girl......

Mom, don't freak out!!! I am not pregnant I repeat, I am not pregnant!!!!

So, last weekend I left to go see my best friend from high school. It was a blast to say the least but, this isn't what that is about. I left my house on Friday afternoon, I gave my son the normal paranoid mom warnings and went on my way. No, he wasn't left alone! About 10 o'clock Friday night I get a call from my son and it starts out like this:

Son: Mom, Just hear me out and please don't say no.

Me: We are not getting a pet.

Son: But Mom, this kitty just followed me home.

Me: SHIT!

So, I proceed to tell my son that we are not keeping that cat. No way, no how. If you read my blog than you know that my cat died in December and it broke my heart. Blackie was my cat's name and he had been through alot with me. As most know I am a single mom and this cat is the only one that I actually let see me break down. He was loyal when noone else was. But, that is beside the point.

So I get the call and I tell my son, hell no! I speak to my X and tell him, hell no. At this point I think, problem solved. Until, I wake up Saturday mornig to 3 picture mail messages. Do you think they were from my son, no. They are from the only adult in the house, my X, with captions about how cute this cat is. I am sooooooooooo in trouble.

Saturday, I go to have oysters with my GF's at the bar and I get told that these boys are working me. The whole weekend I stand my ground, and say hell no.

Sunday I walk in my door and guess who greets me? You guessed it kitty kat (yes that is what I named him, original I know). So they introduce me to this "boy" cat. "he" jumps up on me and doesn't leave my side for the rest of the night. "He" was so cute, almost like he knew "he" had to make a good impression.

Tuesday comes around and I am in love. But, then I find out the "he" is a "she", ugh. But, everyday the kitty does something more to win me over. She is so sweet, she loves on me and gives me kisses. Needless to say I am in love.

Bottom line: team, meet "kitty kat". "kitty kat" meet team.

Side Note: Am I a sucker, or is this meant to be?