3.08.2009

Maybe it's just the wine.....

or maybe its just me. Do you ever feel like you are just going through the motions? Does it ever piss you off? Its funny, I read venus and mars. Why did I read it? Maybe it was because I wanted to understand the differences in men and women. Maybe it was because I wanted to understand the role I played in failed relationships. Why, does it really matter. I get that men are physical and women are emotional. That's what makes us so different. That's what sets us apart and that is what drives the assumption on both parties. I am in a situation I don't want to be in. My ex still hasn't moved out of my house. This was suppose to happen every week for the past 12 weeks. It hasn't because. I am emotional and him leaving is also because I am emotional. Because I feel emotion, because I have a heart. But that heart has done nothing but bring me heartache. Being the nice person letting people walk on  me. I feel violated in the worst way, violated for the very same thing that women seem to get a beating for daily. Not a beating in the literary term, but a beating because of our emotions. Are we jaded, bitchy, on our period, depressed give me a fucking break. Maybe we are just feeling what you are incapable of feeling. Maybe it just not that fucking deep. I understand hormones, I understand before any other person in my life when my body is going through monthly changes. Hello, I am 34 and I get it I am living in it. I also understand that not everything can be chalked up to that. When women have been in bad relationships or have commitment issues it always seems that there is some man standing on the outside looking in saying oh she is jaded. No, I am not jaded, I am smart and over it and deserve something more. Deserve someone to give me that same emotion back in my life. I am a single mom, I don't use it as a crutch and I don't expect any special treatment. But until you are in my shoes you will never understand it. I don't want to clean up after another person man or women. I don't want to have to hear your opinions when you offer nothing positive to me in return. This can be said for women and men in my life. I get that I have major trust issues, they are mine and I will own them. But I also understand what I have to give and me expecting more is not a fault and does not make me jaded.

Its funny when I write I worry so much about what you will think or where the fuck my commas are. Its ridiculous and it pisses me off, makes me mad at me for caring what you might think, for wondering what you might assume. For feeling like I have to double explain myself so I am not perceived as jaded, bitchy, prejudice and a  million other adjectives that I don't feel like googling right now.

I started this blog because I wanted a place to say whatever I wanted and put it out there for who ever wanted to read it. Yes my blog is pink and girly that is me. But its also soulful and real. We are people, we all want to be heard, understood and loved. I don't visit your blogs everyday. I don't comment on every post I read. I don't keep my house spotless. I pay my bills late. I stay in pajamas entire weekends sometimes and dread the sound of my phone ringing. I procrastinate. I yell at my son sometimes when he has done nothing wrong. I am not perfect, I am me. 

I don't need an intervention. I am fine, I just wish people could understand me. Especially the ones that are in my life daily. Come to my blog and read it because it brings you something, not because I may or may not visit yours. I am real, I have feelings and today I am down. Tomorrow I will pick myself up and be that funny, happy, cotton candy, girl. Until then........you get the real me.

17 comments:

*Just Jen* said...

I don't know the "real" you, but I love to read your blog and I relate to you in many different ways. Especially to this blog! *HUGS*

Mich said...

i may not comment on your posts but i will read them and "get" you. you just wrote out how every woman feels a some point. we are not perfect. no one is.

you are you, be proud of that. up, downs, great qualities and flaws. its all one package that makes you who you are.

great post.

RPM said...

OK, first thing you need to do is tell him to man up and move out NOW. You are letting X control the situation. No wonder you feel violated.


It's like pulling off a Band-Aid. Do it quick and it's a short pain. Be slow about it and it will hurt worse and last longer.

pinkjellybaby said...

I think we all have days like that, where it's just a bad day. No hormones or situation involved, it just is what it is. But if you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start the new day (kind of) afresh then you will be ok.
I'm sure most people who read don't mind not getting the 'cotton candy' you all the time!

Jules said...

I often feel like I am going through the motions. And it often pisses me off. Like, really, what is it all for anyway? I completely get that!

Ken said...

The real you is all any of us wants. I have been your fan from the begining and will be your stalker till the very end. I like you for who you are, and that will never change.

Misplaced Country Girl said...

That was awesome and I say AMEN sister!

Scott said...

If you start being phoney, start making your blog a "performance" then you will loose me. I come here because you ARE a real person, and I find that and all it encompasses to be very sexy and interesting. I don't like barbie dolls, lots of makeup or professional porn. I want it real. Keep it honest and I'll keep coming back. ;-)

Thanks for being the real YOU.

Brad said...

What if it IS the wine?

(Kidding...just wanted to say hi...)

NucMEd is Hot said...

I don't care if you are jaded, I still dig you, for fuck sakes!

Violet said...

i haven't followed your blog, i lurk once in a while. I had my ex living in my house for 4 months before he moved out. I asked him for a divorce in May and he didn't move out till sept! Once that dat came around, as we agreed i would let him stay till the first week of sept, he suddenly needed to stay longer. he and i have a son together,so it was difficult for me but, i said enough was enough, he lived in my house rent free, did not pitch in for bill and now needed more time to lazy around at my expense! no fricken way. he still does not have his shit together, and he makes more money than I do!

It took me a long time to decide enough had been enough. until u are there, u keep putting up with what u want, that sounds a little harsh, but we are the only ones who know are feelings and whether or not we are ready to let go. it took me two years to get the courage and confidence in myself to ask him for a divorce! two years of me being miserable in my own homw, two years of me not being all there for my son and my work! so i know where u are coming from.

one day you will wake up and realize it is time to let go, drop the dead weight and move forward.

till then u might want to read the book, codependent no more, i only read a few chapters and it helped me tremendously.

i wish u the best. we are stronger than we realize.

Jormengrund said...

It's sad to hear about your problems JAG.

Hope things turn for the better soon!

If not, remember:

Jack and Coke tend to make the problems at least a bit more fuzzy!

Heather said...

I don't know what state you live in, but in my state you can't kick someone out of your house just because it's yours and your name is on the lease or mortgage. If they don't get out, you have to go through the legal process of evicting them. Doing that will get him out, show him you aren't playing the eff around, and can be empowering.
I know the feeling, like you just can't be the bitch, despite how the other person has treated you. You don't like confrontation, that's normal. But you do have a recourse, and you don't have to be nice about it if you're tired of him being there.
You're awesome, you don't have to be shooting rainbows and unicorns out your butt 24-7. You are who you are.

Big Pissy said...

If you can't say what you want on your own blog where CAN you say it???

So AMEN, Sistah!!! :)

Greg du Pille said...

You have a great blog, and your honesty is what makes it so. It's having a window into the true feelings of a complete stranger that makes it readable anyway.

I just wish that I would have the courage to open up as much as you do in my own blog.

Don't change, I doubt people judge you for what you say, and even if some do, so what?

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T said...

Gosh this is so me. I do the same thing when I'm feeling down and I vent on my blog. I worry if everyone will think I'm whining... but it is MY blog, dammit.

Hang in there. And vent away!