Maybe it's just the wine.....

or maybe its just me. Do you ever feel like you are just going through the motions? Does it ever piss you off? Its funny, I read venus and mars. Why did I read it? Maybe it was because I wanted to understand the differences in men and women. Maybe it was because I wanted to understand the role I played in failed relationships. Why, does it really matter. I get that men are physical and women are emotional. That's what makes us so different. That's what sets us apart and that is what drives the assumption on both parties. I am in a situation I don't want to be in. My ex still hasn't moved out of my house. This was suppose to happen every week for the past 12 weeks. It hasn't because. I am emotional and him leaving is also because I am emotional. Because I feel emotion, because I have a heart. But that heart has done nothing but bring me heartache. Being the nice person letting people walk on  me. I feel violated in the worst way, violated for the very same thing that women seem to get a beating for daily. Not a beating in the literary term, but a beating because of our emotions. Are we jaded, bitchy, on our period, depressed give me a fucking break. Maybe we are just feeling what you are incapable of feeling. Maybe it just not that fucking deep. I understand hormones, I understand before any other person in my life when my body is going through monthly changes. Hello, I am 34 and I get it I am living in it. I also understand that not everything can be chalked up to that. When women have been in bad relationships or have commitment issues it always seems that there is some man standing on the outside looking in saying oh she is jaded. No, I am not jaded, I am smart and over it and deserve something more. Deserve someone to give me that same emotion back in my life. I am a single mom, I don't use it as a crutch and I don't expect any special treatment. But until you are in my shoes you will never understand it. I don't want to clean up after another person man or women. I don't want to have to hear your opinions when you offer nothing positive to me in return. This can be said for women and men in my life. I get that I have major trust issues, they are mine and I will own them. But I also understand what I have to give and me expecting more is not a fault and does not make me jaded.

Its funny when I write I worry so much about what you will think or where the fuck my commas are. Its ridiculous and it pisses me off, makes me mad at me for caring what you might think, for wondering what you might assume. For feeling like I have to double explain myself so I am not perceived as jaded, bitchy, prejudice and a  million other adjectives that I don't feel like googling right now.

I started this blog because I wanted a place to say whatever I wanted and put it out there for who ever wanted to read it. Yes my blog is pink and girly that is me. But its also soulful and real. We are people, we all want to be heard, understood and loved. I don't visit your blogs everyday. I don't comment on every post I read. I don't keep my house spotless. I pay my bills late. I stay in pajamas entire weekends sometimes and dread the sound of my phone ringing. I procrastinate. I yell at my son sometimes when he has done nothing wrong. I am not perfect, I am me. 

I don't need an intervention. I am fine, I just wish people could understand me. Especially the ones that are in my life daily. Come to my blog and read it because it brings you something, not because I may or may not visit yours. I am real, I have feelings and today I am down. Tomorrow I will pick myself up and be that funny, happy, cotton candy, girl. Until then........you get the real me.