You know the scale and you know its cute

All women know that the quickest way to lose weight is a break-up. It's the best thing about it. But losing the weight isn't the problem here. The problem is the scale. I know that people in prison always say they are innocent, but I am telling you the scale is BROKE!

Now unlike an inmate, I have proof. It's broke because my X stood on it, over and over. He is 250, I am 150....getting the visual. I am two weeks into my wine diet, healthy or not I have lost weight. But that crappy ass scale says the same thing 150.

After my new aerobic workout (stepping on and off-the scale) it hits me. X broke the damn scale. You can't be 250 and step on a scale every day for 3 years and not expect the scale to caliber itself for the heavier weight.

So now when I get on the scale, the scale is already pressurized with X's weight and can't calculate mine.

Even though I have figured it out, it still pisses me off.
Tell me I am wrong?

What does your Thursday say about you?

Tired ass Taurus

Have only had half my calories today, holding out for wine!

Ur probably the only one reading this

Random is as random does (wow that is retarded, but I just came up with it..so its staying).

Speaking of random, I hate word verification!!!!!!!

Did you know that in 22 hours it will be Friday and Happy Hour! Score

A Cat laying next to me is fixing to lose its life if it doesn't stop breathing on me.

Y do kids respond to everything with WHY?

I get it and thats all that matters!

X says: (2:34:38 pm) 

Everything good Tamitan

Y says: (3:57:55 pm)

yes

No point to this blog, just a friend who made a stressful day a lot better! 

Thanks X! and no, not that X (X being anonymous, lol)

WTF is that?

Okay I don't even know if this is legal to post and NO I don't have a cool pic to go along with my post.

Its always amazes me where one person's blog will take you. Today my blog hunt brought me here http://manoverboard.zgionline.com/index.php 

and no I don't know man overboard, and no he isn't paying me..... although I wish he would.

Back to my damn story, so I click on his blog and today's post say's Farting around and under it says Whadaya Think?

Whada I Think? Personally I think it looks like a damn dead rat scrambled egg sandwich with a moon in the background. And, I am not even being funny. I think it looks so much like an egg sandwich that I can't even fathom what else it could be.

So please help my brain and tell me what the hell that is?

Side Note: New blogger here and No I don't know how to freaking  link. Quit being lazy and just copy and paste. Once someone tells me how to make it a URL I will fix asap. Thanks for playing.

Side Note #2: Thanks to ry , Side Note #1 is no longer valid!! I am in link heaven, it's on now.

No! Not a Marketing Ploy!

Dumb Crap That Makes Us Laugh!

Farts=Men of all ages

Someone Tripping (the fall trip, not the I am in a video game trip)=Everyone

Women Crying=Men

Bangkok-=13 year old boys (I witnessed this one)

Yourself=Me every damn time I log onto Flickr......the devil on my shoulder says.

"you brought her here, you flickr".

I don't know why!

Is my mom funny.

YES! Where do you think I get it from. 

So on her way home tonight, she informs me that she has been in meetings all day.  She has had 2 pee breaks and has been stuck in a room with 9 men. My response: Be glad it wasn't 9 women.

I then get, the "how are you, baby" (which really means, please make this a one word answer). I respond fine! Then comes this: You know what fine means don't you....................

Fucked-Up

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

Thanks Mom!

Men are to Women..........

what mockingbirds are to cats.

What X thought he said this morning 

"Morning, how did you sleep".

What X actually said this morning.

X: cough, cough, cough, snort, cough, morning

me: covering my ears

X: cough, cough, hack, cough, insert nose blowing louder then a lawn mower, more coughing

me: still covering my ears

X:cough, snort, hack, cough,  cough-how-cough-cough-did you sleep. (now insert major gagging, due to the fact that X thinks if he shoves his toothbrush down his throat, somehow his teeth will get cleaner).

Note to Men: Instead of brushing your teeth in the morning, maybe you should wake up and chug an entire bottle of cough syrup. Once cough syrup has put you in zombie mode, proceed again with the bs above.

I Swear to you I Can't help it

Have I mentioned that I have ocd. Okay not clinically diagonised or anthing, just a hunch. How about my obsession with pink. Well now you know. 

This pic was going into my last post. However, I am on my second ,or third glass of wine and my brain keeps telling me "it has to have it's own post". My body at the same time is telling my brain to "STFU". Welcome to my world.

Recipe: Pink Panties

I package frozen pink lemonade concentrate (man that was long)

1 cup Canadian Mist Whisky 

I cup water

1/2 container of whipped cream

Combine all ingredients in a blender with half a cup of crushed ice. Blend until smooth. Serve in a tall glass.

Although this sounds interesting, I have never had it. 

Point- you are on your own!!!!!!!!

Please Tell Me Why?

Why does wine taste so damn good?

Why does wine come in such a small bottle?

Why do 13 year old boys, pee on the seat?

Why do they then not flush?

Why do Cat's attack feet, hair, plastic bags, rabbits, air and lizards (the size of iguanas)?

Why do Cat's not attack a rapid, bird size june bug that is attacking their owner? (yes this incident just occurred)?

Why do men beat their chest over small things like changing the oil?

Why do men then act like a 1 year old with a wet diaper when it comes to washing dishes?

Why do men not wash their hands?

Why do men who don't wash their hands, expect women to be happy when touched by those hands?

Why are mom's always right?

Why do children never believe them?

Why can't men wear the panties and women wear the underwear?  I am just wondering!!!

Side Note: A june bug was going into this post. However, due to the massive quanity of pics, glorifying  the june bug, and making the june bug look cute(which its not) that wont be happening.

"Gimme a Break"

I mean seriously why is it that people get irritated with you when you call them on their shit. Did you make them tell you a line of BS, No. Did you know they were full of shit when they gave you the line of BS, yes. Did you know you were going to call them on their BS a few days later...That's not my point!

Yes, I feel like I just did a line of speed.

No, I don't do speed.

Yes, I might be grumpy from my liquid diet.

No, the V8 didn't stop my stomach from eating itself.

On a side note and totally off topic. What the hell happened to "Kit Kat Bars". I was going to use the picture simply to get my title across. Next I go on a search for my picture, I either spend way too much time at my computer. Or overnight the world around me went CooKoo. Go ahead search kit kat you will find these flavors: apple, strawberry, green tea, fruit parfait, purin (I DONT KNOW), wine, cafe latte and believe it or no, kit kat soda. Like a Coke but a Kit Kat....Weird.

Has anyone tried the Strawberry Kit Kat, because it looks really freaking good right now.

Somebody help me!

Hi, my name is ________ and I'm a red bull addict. I have seen a lot of the "meme's" on other peoples sites. One of my favorite questions is, "what is the first thing you do when you get out of bed". I brush my teeth, then trip over my own feet and cats on the way to the fridge to get my Red Bull for the morning. Notice I didn't say for the day. There are days when I chug 4-5 of these things. And if you're wondering if you are an addict, let me help you out. If you can chug red bull, your an addict.

Its 10 am, generally I am not even awake yet. At 8 am this morning (insert gasp here) it was cool outside and I could hear birds chirping. What a concept. By the time I get up in the morning its already 100 degrees out side, and there's not shit chirping. Speaking of 100 degrees for the next 5 days the forecast is 101-102-103-102-101, I have a feeling the rest of the summer is going to be miserable. Have I mentioned I don't like to sweat.

So here is my question for the day. If you are on a liquid diet, does Wine count? Today I started my liquid diet. Well I should say at 10 am I started my liquid diet (no, the chicken tender and potato wedge didnt count). So far I've had, red bull and water. The most exciting part of my day will be when I get to suck down a v8 later, in hopes that my stomach will stop eating itself. 

5 Reasons Why my imac rocks!

1. Have you seen the imac.

2. Quick Look - In mail you can view an excel doc, without opening the file.

3. Spaces- This one thing, made me a believer. It will change the way you work.

4. As Cliche as this may sound. Widgets Rock.

5. The 2 Hello Kitty stickers on the front of my imac.

Pure Perfection

A wine from Texas who would've thought!

Is 11 days to soon to think you are in love.......

I know its only been 11 days, and to most people it seems kind of soon. I mean how could we know enough to love someone in 11 days.  But I most confess, I am 11 days into my blog and I 

think I am in love with it. I love my blog, I love fixing my blog, I love waking up to my blog. I think I want my blog to do dirty things to me. Okay lets not get carried away.

Every few days or so, I click on someone else's blog which takes me on the best adventure. Not only is it great to see that other people are just as screwed up as I am. It makes me happy to get just a glimmer into someone else's mind. To laugh, cry and have an opinion without ever having to meet someone and deal with there screwed up drama. 

That is Priceless.

How it all Started...

The day Saturday. The place, sitting under a huge tree on some land by a creek in dripping springs. Beneath my feet was the prettiest pink sheet youv'e ever seen. One that has been washed 100 times. You know the kind that still feels cold in 100 degree heat. I was in my pink chair and next to me was my pink ice chest. My jim beam and coke, in a pink glass and very refresthing. The breeze was constant, the sun warm yet inviting, and the conversation..........lets just say this is where it gets interesting.

I was talking with my mom and cousin, about a new title for my blog. I have shared with very few people that I am even blogging. One, I am not ready yet for the whole world to see my blog. Secondly, I want to make sure we are ready for my debut. By we I do mean, my blog and I. During this conversation I bring up the pic above. I explain to them the picture, expecting to get a laugh. Instead I get blank stares, and it seems they are waiting for the punch line. Did you hear the part where I said "instead of fairy dust in the jar, it was BB's".

This really irritates me, how could two women not see the humor I saw. When I first saw the pic, it freaking cracked me up. My mom over an hour later would finally jump on board, but that part comes later.

I spend the next 30 minutes having this same conversation, with 2 aunts, 1 uncle and a few others in earshot. All the time just waiting for someone to laugh, or for that matter just see the humor. Shoot at this point, I wouldv'e taken a half smile. But what I got was nothing, zilch, zero.

This takes me to the heart of my story. So every person has a black sheep of the family. Black sheep might be the wrong word, but to be honest I dont have time to be polictically correct right now. I decide the best thing for me to do is to go see if Mrs. Black Sheep and her husband find the picture funny. Thank God I did. Only the names have been changed, the conversation my friends is authentic. And here is how it went.

MBS(Mrs. Black Sheep) -HH(you got it, her husband)
Insert here- description of the pic above. which they didn't get. But heres what followed.

Me: How come nobody gets this, its funny.

MBS: Can you give me the get.

Me: lmao

HH: I know! Fairies shit bb's. But, how did the fairy shit get in the jar.

MBS: Fairies dont have bb guns.

HH: This fairy does. These are some wierd ass fairies, they are man hunters. These are tarzan fairies they swing from tree to tree with bb guns.

MBS: The fairies are throwing shit at us.

HH: Ya, that is why I hate fairies.


Wow is all I could say. It's all I could say then and its all I can say now. The rest of the story is that after this is said, my mom walks up and says I get it. Finally, she tells the rest of the group that its Far Side. UH Yea where was this person an hour ago when we first had this conversation.
Now for the funniest part. I come back to write my blog and post my picture. AND WTF....they arent even bb's.

I give up. Good Night.

Ramblings of an "OLD" Woman

So I just busted my own lip, with a water bottle.  That was hours ago and yes maybe I was being a lil dramatic, because now my lip isn't busted anymore.

My kid freaking cracks me up, I think he is cooler then Kool-Aid. So this afternoon we are sitting on the back porch. Why does back porch always sound so country? I mean, do people in NY, CA and WA have back porches? And are they called back porches? That is a post within itself, so back to  my story. On the back porch he says this to me.

 

"mom, this is the perfect day to go to the river, get a tube, tie an ice-chest to it, get in it and chill. I mean why not go all out redneck style".

The reason this is so funny is that we don't live in the country, and he's not a redneck. However, we aren't exactly living in Manhattan either.  But for him to think that is redneck, cracks me up.

  

The biggest arguments my son and I have are over the dumbest things. Actually over the fact that he thinks I know nothing. We argued one day over Sugar Crisp. He tried to tell me at 34, that they didn't have Sugar Crisp when I was a kid. Irritated the hell out of me. I mean I am a young mother, but come on. Aren't we supposed to be the ones telling our children about how we walk to school without shoes. Instead I am arguing about whether or not there was Sugar Crisp back in the Dinosaur days when I was a kid. Too freaking funny. 

Speaking of Funny. I have never been a big Chevy Chase fan. Yes, I think he is funny in some movies but I wouldn't stay up to watch a CC Marathon. But, tonight I watched "Funny Money". This is a movie from 2006, which everyone has probably seen except for me. If you haven't seen this go out and rent it. This could be one of the funniest movies I have seen in a long time. I literally laughed through the whole thing. These days that is an accomplishment.

Today has gone okay. I started to have a bit of a meltdown earlier but thankfully recovered quickly. Tomorrow I get away from this house, and away from all the BS. I am going to sit in my pink chair with my pink ice-chest, pink shirt, pink visor and I am going to drink beer or martinis and enjoy friends and family. TGIS

Please let next week be easier.........Thanks in Advance.

A funny thing happened to me-

on the phone last night.

"So you have a blog", "what 

does that mean" (insert laugh here). "Do people actually read your blog" (insert second laugh here).

The answer is yea, people read my blog, I mean, my mom does count right. No, nobody reads my freaking blog. Did you not hear the part where I said "I have only been blogging for a week". Or how about the part where I sa

id "hey I just started blogging". So let me apologize now for the moment that someone other then  my mom does read my blog. I am not a writer, so you ask what does that mean. It means that in the third sentence of this paragraph I typed weak not week, and last night I typed leave not live. Wtf is wrong with me, I will tell you what's wrong. I cant spell. I don't remember shit from English class and although I would love to spend my whole day on Webster's website, I  lack the energy to do so. So bottom line, deal with it.

Man that is the thing about blogging, I mean it felt really good to type that, although hence the paragraph above, I keep wanting to say it felt good to write that. But we aren't writing here folks, we are TYPING!!!!!!!

Today I am tired! Not sure if that is because my tylenol party last night or the fact that I haven't chugged a gallon of red bull yet this morning. Either way its one in the afternoon and I can hardly think. My brain is so cloudy from my life right now, that I have to get through my day in segments. So what is my current segment. Force this red bull down my throat, attempt to make myself presentable and go to the bank. Not as exciting as my next segment. Drive back from the bank, change back into pajamas and attempt something else productive. As dramatic as that all sounds I am smirking right now. If you cant amuse yourself, what good are you.

So keeping with the current venting theme, let me just get it all out. I don't think women go through mid-life crisis's. I personally didnt wake up, break up with my girlfriend. Tell her I am moving out, turn her life upside down and then order a DVD set so I could make my body beach ready. Give me a fucking break. You think thats hard to watch, try watching a huge piece of steel being moved in to where said X is moving out. What is this steel? A vertical, gravity boot, chin up, upside down, hey I might do a sit-up,  I am going through a mid life freaking crisis thing.

I can hear it now without having heard a word. Bitter and Jaded.

Let me tell you about B&J, or BJ. 

Women don't:

a. Cough up their entire internal organs as soon as they wake up

b. Wipe off a counter and then claim "they cleaned the kitchen".

c. Wipe items from said counter onto floor

d. Forget to put the seat down, and never replace the empty TP roll with fresh TP

e. Scratch our nuts and smell our fingers

f. Beat their chests

g. Put up personal ads when in a relationship, to see if someone else will deal with the above.

All that being said, I do wish women could beat their chests. Yes we all want to experience the whole penis for a day thing. But, what I want is to beat my chest. What if after washing the dishes for the 6th time in a 6 day period, we finished and starting beating out chests. Kind of like we just saved a life or something. Oh and then we could walk around for an hour with our chest out, and talk like we are tim off of home improvement. Why do men do that its just weird, not cute not funny, WEIRD.

I am done, I will now put on Bob Marley's everything is going to be alright. This way I can put myself in a zen like state, before I go deal with the psycho teller in the BOA drive through.

this is my life.

Yes it's really 2 am!

Today is my 7th day of blogging and I think its working. I wondered if this was going to help my process or stress me the fuck out.  Like anything else in my life I have taken this on with a  vengance. Formatting, finding the perfect picture, and I have spent the last hour, looking at idiotic widgets. But, this is cheaper then therapy, and no one gets too talk back, so what the hell.

On to bigger things, no pun intended.

My kitty has serious issues. Tonight as taz was mere feet from me, he proceeded to crunch on something so large I could actually hear the crunching.  It was the nastiest thing I've ever heard, I couldn't get to the back door quick enough. And no, I don't live in the country and my back yard isn't a field either. I still don't know what it was and I don't want to know. I get the heebeegeebees just thinking about it. And when I go to bed he will want under the covers as usual, not gonna happen.

I have officially gotten tired now. However, I am still going to pop two of these jewels to get to sleep. I cant believe these things are legal. Thank you Tylenol. Am I addicted? not yet, lol..

Score!

Any Questions?

Its funny when one has an agenda, there pace seems to go at record speed. Day 21 and 0 sense of urgency. Why delay the obvious? Lazy, Comfort Zone, Agenda...no just plain fucking selfish. Women hate dr. laura, becuase she tells you the truth you dont want to hear. My truth I know. Love was there and lost, cheating, lies, rejection, self esteem, trust and different paths all took a part.

Annoyed and Pissed

How perfect is this:

"You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in".

Arlo Guthrie.

The perfect martini, I have perfected it.

6 oz Grey Goose Vodka- from your freezer

2.5 oz Spec's Olive Juice

1 Splash of Dry Vermouth

5 Queen Olives

1 Cup of Ice

1 Silver Shaker given to you by your mom

Shake 3 times place in a pink martini glass with 5 olives........perfection

I think thursday's are my favorite day. One day left! The only thing I look forward to these days is getting the hell out of this house. I want to sign the shirt, swing under the tree, hug my Uncle T, smell bbq, drink beer, look at the creek, laugh, and for a day just be me.

hi............

I remember collecting all the Opus comic strips, for weeks. I covered my walls in them completely. I sat on my bed and listened  to yaz.....score

I hope he doesnt grow up too quick, the most important thing in my life right now is that he gets to be a kid. Far too quickly he will be an adult. I am the luckiest person I know, my kid rocks.

Bloody Beer

Its only 9:53 in the morning and I cant stop thinking about Bloody Beer. For the sake of archiving bloody beer is simply beer topped off with tomato juice or bloody mary mix. I dont know what is happening to me, I dont drink beer usually. I dont crave it and when I do drink it, I generally throw up foam. However a nice cold beer, with just a splash or three of campbell's tomato juice or V8, is simply all I can think about this morning.

No nightmares last night! Could it be all the chocolate milk I drank?

Monday night waiting on second session, table talk turned to recession, ie the world is coming to an end. I didnt want to lose my mini-buzz so I chose to walk away from the table. I saw J and asked her if she remembered the kid story about the sky falling, and asked her if it was a duck or a chicken. I now realize that yes, it was a chicken, and maybe I had more of a buzz then I first thought. The point: I told her that all of the talk of gas, recession, racism, and politics was making my brain hurt. At least if the sky WAS falling, then we would all have something different to focus on then the same BS people want to bitch about day in and day out.

A mess, my hair, my house and at the moment my brain.

So my 4th blog and I find myself asking, is this really helping me. Jotting down my random thoughts and insane moments in life. Note to self ask this again in a week.

Dreams

For some reason the only dreams I get are when I am awake. If sleeping is involved its pure nightmares for me. I am glad these come and go throughout the year, versus claiming permanent residence in  my head. Last night was no different, when I woke up this morning I was thankful. Dark Water, Being in a boat(although I know the cause of that one, a reality show), and the weirdest part of all spaceships and human aliens. This is the 4th or 5th time in the past two weeks that my nightmares have involved a spaceship landing somewhere and changing my world into something different. NO! I dont need a interpreter. Its obvious because of  my current situation.

Hypocrites- Its amazing to me how many of these have crossed my path in 45 Days. Donkey vs. A Bluff, Ghetto Fabulous, Choice A or Choice B, A Festival and Cheating, Creep at the bar and his feelings are hurt, Abandonment, Loyalty,  A Personal Ad put up one day after my Birthday(I should have known better after the first time).

the best vanilla shake is made with bluebell homemade vanilla ice cream and borden's hi-protein milk.

On a good note, I only have 3 more days left in this place. In three days I get to spend the day with my family and I cant wait. A whole day with my mom, man could it get any better. Well no but a pink shirt, pink chair and really cute pink ice-chest will help to make the day a memorable one.

I never thought he could hurt me as bad as he has. I literally go through more emotions then a crazy girl on pms throughout the day. I want to grab him and tell him how much I love him, I want him to hold me and tell me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. Going to bed is the hardest and I cry ever single night. In the same 10 minutes I am angry and think about his betrayal and rejection and total lack of loyalty or strength to make anything better. I think of cheating at festivals, and personal ads and its almost more then I can take. We will walk away from this situation, and I will become a better person because of it. And one day he will look back and realize that he made a mistake, he didnt just loose a lover, he lost a friend.

30 Day Goals- Loose weight- Start my journey to find the best cupcake place in Austin- Learn how to make one great salad or seafood dish- Paint 

I cant wait for 6 months, I will look back on these entries, and be so happy at how far I have come. tonight I so deserve Sushi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Pretty in Pink

Saturday morning I woke with wet eyes. I really thought my bed was going to hold  me hostage. But a little bird flew in my room and whispered in my ear, wash your face and put on something pink....and that is exactly what I did.

It truly amazes me the power that pink actually has on me. It is a saving grace. 

Luck isnt part of it folks, its pure skill. I dont know why when a girl sits at a table to play a game and indeed is the minority. The majority feels the need to believe, "wow  she's lucky" lol. I am not lucky, this is my passion. Just like family, sex, sushi, dirty martini's and bubble baths. I could go on but I wont. Bottom line: My dream will come  true, because I am going to make it come true!!!

There are certain lessons in life, you learn way too late. One of those being, you get different needs met from different people. At 34 I'm embarrassed to say that I never really grasped that concept, fully. I wont ever have my palms read and I dont throw sticks down to see the future. However I do believe in the profile of ones sign, mine is a strong one. I am very loyal and expect the same from those around me. During this process I am in right now, that statement above has never been more relevant. I find myself resenting those around me, who arent able to give back what I feel I give so freely. 

I now know why people are fatter in Texas. It's because the appetizers are becoming meals. Seriously, my partner and crime and I, ordered 3 appetizers. Why 3, because these are small hence the name, you eat them before a meal. So imagine the shock of trying to look cute and have a few half bites, when all of a sudden a buffet is placed on your small table. Horrifying and I'm not even being dramatic. So then what do we do, what the hell do you think we did. We started giving everyone that was anywhere near the scene of the crime. FOOD. 

Random is something I have always been and will always be its makes me me. 

For 3 years off an on, I have made the shake call. Interpret that as you will, but it is exactly that a shake call. Last night was no different, except the answer was no. When I finally got to pillow land, I reached out again. I have been reaching out for over a year now, but I get nothing back. Not unless the reaching out comes with tears. These are the things I have to remember when he is gone.

He is getting to big, growing to fast, how proud I am to say that he is mine. The one good thing I have done in my life, and the one good thing that I give back. Yes at this point you know there are two.

For the record its day 17

one

Just a process, thats what I have to keep telling  myself. I am turned upside down-could I feel anymore twisted..NO.  karma, everything happens for a reason, good things happen to good people, very hard to believe any of this in my current state. Daily thoughts, a process to help with a process, ironic.

Strong what a funny word, add the letter b to the front. Much easier said then done. Love, I still have it. Yet the countdown of days, leaves me knowing I will grieve the loss of it. A wise man once said, "you are grieving the loss of hope". Amazing how many times that sentence has come to play in my life, and how much sense it actually made.

Love I believe is created not made, what came first the chicken or the egg. Its funny when something that hurts so badly, is truly so right. That is the hardest part..there is a void now and when the days come to be, the void will still be there.

Everyone needs a support system. I have an amazing one, people who truly love me for me. I am thankful for that. I have something to offer to a child, a mother, a friend and a lover. Thats what I have to think about in the coming days where I only see dark.

At 34 I never really had the dream of marriage. I have the dream of family. What is family, not meant to sound quite as deep as it does. Doughnuts and cartoons in bed in the morning, my old standby saying.

I  know what I want; I just dont know when I want it. A fairy tale not a fairy tale ending, thats a start.