Welcome to my life 2

I wonder how different my blog would be if I wasn't a mother. I also wonder if my son ever reads my blog, if he will ever talk to me again.

Since he was little he has had what I like to call "restroom ocd". I believe bathroom habits in men start when the sperm is traveling to the egg (aka, its the man's fault). Whenever he goes to the bathroom (use your imagination) (not masturbation folks) he immediately takes a bath or shower after. I have always found this odd but in order not to take away his man card, I have refrained from asking why. Over the years for some strange reason his toilet constantly gets clogged. Me being the great mother I am, have repeatedly told him to use less freaking TP!

A few days ago the toilet clogs again. I graciously tell him he can use mine, but that he needs to ease up on the TP. I explain to him what the proper amount of TP should be, for an average bathroom session. Here is what came next..............

Me: Son, I think you might be using too much TP.
Tween: WOW
Me: It's not a big deal, I probably didn't show you the proper TP usage as a child.
Tween: WOW
Me: This is an example of a good amount of TP for an average bathroom session.
Tween: WOW, mom you don't understand.
Me: I understand that you are using too much damn toilet paper.
Tween: Mom, you are a girl and I am a guy.
Me: LMFAO, what does that have to do with anything.
Tween: wow, roll eyes, look at me like I am a freaking idiot, then says MOM, girls don't have hair on their butt and I am sorry, but if you think I am going to be one of those skid mark kids, I am telling you right now that is just sick and its not happening.
Me: WOW

What do you say to that, I was laughing so hard that he actually got mad at me and refused to use my bathroom. So their you go, my life would be nothing without these daily occurrences.

SKTFL

At times I get that rocking chair in an attic window feeling, and I don't like it. This afternoon I got that no so fresh feeling and it got me thinking. When did lizards start walking ON grass? I know I have divulged that I'm old, and due to my gray hair last I am now a cougar. But I am not so old that I don't remember, that lizards walk in grass not on grass.

Today I witnessed a lizard walking on grass, and to say it was weird is not giving weird justice. That mini-iguana was walking, skipping, running whatever you want to call it on top of the grass. I don't know what it is, but my backyard has become there brothel. They are everywhere! I think the only one in my house that is happy about that is my cat. For breakfast he has lizard head, lunch lizard head, dinner well you get the picture. So I get to see live lizards on acid during the day, headless lizards all over my house, and at night those bastards turn straight up albino.

I am not a lizard hater nor am I member of PETA. However, I do prefer them to be at least 10 feet from me at all times and I will not remove a live lizard from my cat's mouth. In the instance just mentioned, the cat is the real killer here not me. Anyways my damn point is that when I went to find my lizard pic, I found a lizard watch band. I have decided to start a new organization and its called SKTFL. It stands for Stop Killing The Fucking Lizards. What sick person is out there catching lizards for watch bands. I will tell you who, its the "skin wearers" and "people eaters".

All donations requests can be made to justagurl74@gmail.com . Thanks and have a great day.

Life is like a box of SSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH

Lets talk about smackers. Not the lip gloss. Not the awesome dr. pepper one that gives you just a hint of color and flavor. Not the cute, pink, makes your lips all glittery and cotton candy kind. The hey I dont know how to close my freaking mouth when I chew kind.

By now you should know that I don't like koolaid mouthed, cheeto fingered, chef boyardee all over the face, heathens. That being said, like and loathe are two different things. Loathe is the feeling I get when I see an adult smacking. It puts me into a shove that hot dog down your throat mode. Or a hey asshole I dont feel like watching your food fly mode.

Clearly when Frito Eater sits next to you, you know you are going to crunchtown. If Tortilla man sits next to you and you think your hearing audio from an updated jiminy cricket tutorial on the inner stomach, there is a problem. Don't even get me started on the foodflying. So for any of you, that may have mush mouths out there, 1. I have a box, 2. if food from your mouth even thinks about entering my box, somebody is going to gumtown.

Tin Truths For

1. I only like ice cream in the winter or when I am cold.

2. I went to Bonnaroo for the first time this year.

3. I say Fucking a lot.

4. I have the smallest feet in my family

5. I am obsessed with plucking eyebrows

6. I sometimes wish I never would have started my business

7. I am a food snob

8. My biggest regret this year is that I haven't taken my son anywhere exciting

9. I really hope that Michelle gets evicted today and Dan wins HOH (Big Brother)

10. I would like for 10 fellow bloggers to ask me a question they would like to know.

Side Note: No, I am not smart. The symbol is for tin, thank the WWW.

Side Note 2: Tin Truths is a Thurday thing for the record.

I am sooooooooooo awesome...........

Let me start by saying that I have my first girl crush, Tiffany. Yes I can be bought, as you will see I am a cheap date, but it will not end in a Quickie. Now about me, I am awesome and yes as you can see I rock. Today I got my first Blog Award, its about damn time. I mean come on, I am a Pro these days. I would like to thank Tiffany, Blogger, My mom and shit I guess the freaking Academy. I accept this award today for all the crazy ass bloggers out there. I haven't met any of you in person, yet I feel like I know some of you more then the people I see daily. DEEP I KNOW!

Tiffany, is awesome. I read her Blog "Stuck in the Sticks" daily. She freaking cracks me up, she has one of those blogs that constanly brightens my day. The blog its self is seamless, and the design beautiful. Thanks Tiffany!

Now the hard part. THE RULES...per jag.

1. Steal the picture and use it in your post (For the dumb people, the pic is your award).

2. In your post tell everyone that I want the golden ticket I want it (meaning link back to me).

3. Give the award to 7 other deserving bastards (be sincere this isnt just about you!)

4. Spend at least a good 10 minutes playing the linking game back to the 7 bastards.

5. Hello let them know they won the award.

Now for the good stuff, MY WINNERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER.

Man Overboard! - I know you are all shocked. I freaking love this blog. The affair started with a pic, one that I really thought was a dead rat, scrambled egg sandwich. From there it turned to Barbie Hysteria, which by the way still cracks me up daily. For all I know this guy is a skin wearer. but from what I can tell he is a loving husband, a wonderful dad and has two of the prettiest little girls I think I have ever seen.

Ask me why? - This one is a no-brainer. I love this blog because it makes me feel important. I have always wanted to be a lawyer. Ken makes me feel like I have my own paralegal working for me. You can ask him anything and he will give you the real answers. Ken was one of my first readers and to say he is loyal is an understatement(can you say stalker). I love to read his blog and his Q&A is freaking hilarious

I'm Sure I Don't Know - why The Nemesing One is getting this award. JK, "Nemesing One" is my local blogger perv, no he doesn't live in Austin (or does he?). This was also one of the first blogs I started to follow. My mom has a blog crush on "Nemesing One" as well. She tells me she loves his thinking (far side she calls it). He is funny, crude and his post are never lacking honest content. One day I will do a post on his comments alone, much love for ya!!!!! Side Note: I will not be blamed for your divorce, therefore because of your bathroom confession, if you choose you can use a get out of giving on this one card!

Orion Unleashed - I think this guy is possible related to the one above (aka Nemesing). He is one of my new readers and I am so glad that I have him in my network. His post yesterday about the restroom, had me in tears (literally). I can't tell you the last time I laughed so hard. Plus he believes in faires (i can spell it the way i want). Here is one of my favorite comments from him "a person has to believe in faeries. If you don't there's no logical explanation for the missing left sock, how that chapstick got in the dryer, or where exactly did that 20$ go."

Chao Free Living - I am pretty sure on some level I am a bit of a blog snob. I like to look at blogs that are simple, clean and not busy as fuck. Her blog makes me envious its like Mother Teresa meets Robin Williams meets Jenna Jameson, okay not really. Her writing is flawless and I never get bored reading her blog. Its beautifully designed and she is as we say in Texas "good people". I don't drink coffee and talk about PTA . But NucMEd is Hot and reading her comments alone, makes me want to fly to her part of the woods to partake in Martini hour. Finally another Woman that gets me.

Diaries of the Professor - I feel bad even nominating this jerk, because he hasn't posted since 8/13 (insert gasp here). But by now you know how anal I am, and this is one of the first blogs that popped in my head when I got MY award. I sooooo get this guy's humor. There is not one post he has TYPED that I haven't loved. He is funny as hell. So Brad here you go, now maybe you can once again bless us with your presence.

idamomb - I have saved the best for last, and for the record at the beginning I new this one would be last. What can I say about her blog, that would do her justice. Oh I know, she doesn't have a blog. That's right I am breaking my own rules, what are you going to do it about it. This is where I show that I have a heart and I am a bit of a crybaby. Because yes, as I am typing nothing sentimental yet I am already in tears (can you say PMS). I have her to thank for it all. I love my mom so much. Over the years my mom and I always have the conversation where I tell her that words will never portray how much I love her, at times it really frustrates me. How do you show or tell someone enough that you love them, you don't, its never enough. Mom, I love you sooooooooo much, more then all the pink m&m's in the world. I couldn't have picked a better mom if I was the mom picker myself. Your strength and beauty makes me proud daily. You have taught me everything I know and shoot I turned out pretty good. You are a loving wife and wonderful grandmother, and although you know where God and I stand right now. I thank him every day for giving me someone as perfect as you. I love you so much. I would be nothing without you and your support in my life. Did I say I love you? Now stop crying and go wash your face.

Side Note: This took me 88 freaking hours, so no WTF Vol 9 Edition 14 is happening today.

Side Note 2: The Tinkerbell Award is for my mom, so back off.

Side Note 3: I am now changing the title of my post, to freaking halle berry for me.

Lights, Camera and Action!!!!!

So I have decided to plan my funeral. Not only do I want to plan my funeral I think I am going to become a pre-before you should be planning-funeral planer. I know, say that 10 times fast. I win! Now before you start freaking out, I am fine. I am not in "swallow a bottle of pills, emo mode".

People spend so much money on there weddings, birthdays etc. I want to offer the same service for funerals. I think they are so sad, and I dont want mine to turn out to be some scene out of a bad movie. I don't want my funeral at a church and I don't want my body there(creepy) and I dont want to hear freaking AMAZING GRACE! I want MY words to be said to my family. I want to make my own freaking memory board, and I want to give a gift to all the people that are there. Yes I know stealing the bridesmaid idea, get over it. I want people to leave that day knowing that I am fine and knowing the things I wanted to say at a time when I knew what I was thinking and doing.

So bottom line I am back! My grandmother was in the hospital for a few days but now she is doing great. I have fun stories to tell of the hospital and am looking forward to resuming my affair with my blog.

Side Note: I can't wait to catch up with all your blogs.

Side Note 2: Don't even think about stealing my funeral idea, I have now officially called c with a circle around it. LOL.

Tin Truths Three

1. I drool, ALOT

2. I hate lima beans and bell peppers

3. Tarot cards freak me out.

4. I can't roll my tongue

5. I am a great kisser

6. I do believe in fairies

7. I am horrible with names.

8. I have no sense of direction

9. When I was younger I wanted to be a lawyer, as an adult I still do.

10. I can count on one hand the number of times I have worn socks this year.

Would you think I was weird.......

if I told you I can't stop thinking about ripping out the neighbors dogs throat. Wish I could say I am joking here, but I am sooooooo not. If this fucker barks one more time I am pretty sure I am going to crawl over there on my hands and knees and get into a freaking bark off with that bastard. He is driving me freaking crazy.

Side Note: Cracking myself up as always. For the dumb people that is a bark collar. But I can only imagine what newbies must think when they click my blog today. Bondage much, lmao.

WTF? Vol 2 Edition 2

Super Large Stress Reliever for Guys $6.99

Yes its a freaking stress ball. Talk about office humor. But the interesting part is the comments that people have about this ball. WEIRDOS!

Just a few listed as pros and cons.

• Here's a really big stress ball for anyone that loves squeezing boobs. Oh and their boob shaped (no shit sherlock)
  
• The obnoiously rancid reeking putrid rank stench given off by these should be expected to last at least past the next ice age.
• Better build quality then expected, rubber nipples are fun to pull.
• It's nice and squeeshy(can you say gay), if u close your eyes and concentrate they feel like real boobs.
• Biting them feels nice (yep he's either a skin wearer or he eats people)

I first found this lone boob on the cartoon screwer site, go figure. Although I am sure most women would love to stroke a plastic dick to relieve stress (uhhhhhhhh not) I pray to god they don't come out with one.

NTR

I am not dead my world is just boring, extra points if you can tell me what NTR stands for.

My son walking sideways, one leg up, and dancing. I said "what in the world are you doing". He said "being weird". At least at 13 he gets it. I have 7 more days till school starts and I can't wait. I have been listening to the lemonade heathens for over an hour, I swear to you it shouldnt be legal.

So I will admit that I am a reality tv junkie. It always amazes me, that these people will eat eyeballs and nut sacks for money. Seriously its weird. So here is what I want to know. What would you NOT eat for 20K.

Finally, today I am a month old. Hard to believe that its been a full month of blogging today. I love my blog, I love your blogs and I can't wait to see what the next 30 days brings. Thanks for the support and comments.

Side Note: the above is my favorite cupcake place in Austin, and yes its in an Airstream!

Report 1 of many to come

The quicker-picker-upper my ass. How about the quicker-paper-waster that one fits a little better. I don't like washcloths, they seem too "apron in a kitchen like" to me. Now, if you wear aprons in your kitchen, save it, I am not judging. I am simply not the Susie homemaker type. I think washcloths are gross and filthy. Little mini salmonella carriers that stink and are slimy as hell.

Because of this I use paper towels and a lot of them. I buy the wipes, the disposable scrubs and yes rolls and rolls of paper towels. Normally it takes about 3-5 paper towels for any given mess. Then another 2-3 to double dry the mess and then another 2-3 to dry my hands. This goes on all day. I don't buy the freaking tear a sheet crap either. All this does is double my paper towel usage.

The other day Bounty was on sale, which is just crazy in itself. The shitty economy makes the most expensive paper towel get cheaper, crazy. So I bought it. I have seen the commercials just like the rest of you. You toss the egg 88 feet in the air and catch it in the towel bs. Better yet the spill a bottle of wine on the floor and use "one bounty sheet" to pick it up (rolling my own eyes here).

Well I hate to tell you but yes its absorbent and yes its strong. Maybe a little too damn strong. I am finally on my last roll and here is the report. After 6 rolls I now have Carpel Tunnel from trying to rip those bastards off the roll. I have prematurely thrown away hundreds maybe even thousands of paper towels before they were ready. I have ran out of TP twice and force fed my toilets these bath towels, and they weren't very pleased. I feel like I have violated my local land fill not to mention my environment. So thanks but no thanks! I will stick to my cheap ass see through paper towels and be just fine.

Side Note: You want to know what my biggest fear is, Salmonfreakingella. It doesn't usually look so nice, but no ugly pics allowed.

A Huge Hole In My Head

At one point in my life I owned this wig, a cat mask, and a whip. That story is for another day. Today's story is about what happened to me Wednesday night. It has taken me a good 24 hours just to digest it.

I am 34! Not a yep she 34 but a wow are you really 34, kind of girl. My son is taller then me and I look very young. Yes, young enough to be carded even at the grocery store buying wine with my son. Young enough to be carded at a bar. Young enough to be called a MILF. YOUNG ENOUGH to even have people ask my son if I am his sister. Get the point.

I was in the bathroom fixing my ponytail when I saw it. There was something in my hair and it was shiny as fuck and was pretty much blinding me. When I looked at it I thought no thats not a gray hair, are you kidding me. The problem is I am redhead with blond highlighted hair, who has roots showing big time.

I decided the light in the bathroom was causing the illusion, so I went to my son's bathroom. This is where it went from bad to worse. It was a gray hair, a big long pubic looking, been there for god knows how long gray freaking hair. So yeah I pulled it out. I wanted to see it for my own eyes. So I guess it has happened I am turning gray, great.

Don't send me comments saying how sexy it is, or how it happens to everyone. BLAH BLAH BLAH. My mom says I am dramatic and acted like it was no big deal. Sorry, but this is coming from the same person who at 53 still colors her(cough, gray) hair. The worst part of all of it and I am not even being funny, is that I can still feel where that hair was plucked out. I guess the headaches since Wednesday are a coincidence to right.

I am half way to 68, apparently in 24 hours I have gone from a MILF to a Fucking Cougar. GREAT.

Side Note: Is it weird that I still have said hair, and I have looked at it no less than 25 times today.

Tin Truths Too

Yep it's here to stay. And I don't want to hear that I am too new for my own meme or a game. Get over it, my blog, my game.

1. I own over 15 pairs of Flip Flops.

2. I kissed a girl once and I liked it.

3. I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike Bar.

4. I do believe in Aliens

5. I want to be cremated.

6. I never check Voicemail.

7. I am not afraid of spiders.

8. I don't get toilet seat covers (the ones with carpet on top)

9. I secretly want to live in IKEA.

10. I found my X-mas present once ( a cabbage patch doll) and I still feel bad about it.

Killing Me

It all started today with my "WTF" post. Apparently you guys are either lazy or just don't think I am funny. OR, maybe next time instead of saying "help me, help you, help me" I should say "hey click here, because I want a golden ticket, Daddy, I want it". Regardless my vote link wasn't popular today. And NO I am not going to link this to the link in this post.

Because of your blatant (yes I had to google it) disregard, I decided this would be my next post. I start out looking for my pic. I search as follows, pink ax, pink axe, pink gun, pink shovel and then the tin man. At this point my brain starts thinking I am a psycho... Because I am psycho I start thinking about the FBI coming to confiscate my computer and then start to crack the hell up. Seriously could not stop laughing. I am freaking funny.

I can't even imagine what an FBI Agent would think. Here is what he would find in my pics/pic searches pink scales (yes folks the triple beam) eyeballs, creepy ass shhhhh people, cartoon porn, sperm, george bush (i'd hit it) pics, CIA seals, black helicopters, lucky charms, pink shovels-guns-ax-axes-vibrators and about 10 tin man pictures that look more like some freak that would hang out with that freaking skin wearer on silence of the lambs.

So yeah I crack myself up and I think I am funny and that is all that matters. Night

WTF? Vol 2 Edition 1

That's right for $24.00 you too can have a New Hello Kitty Vibrating Shoulder Massager

It comes in all colors, so please don't act like you are shocked that I chose pink.

Now for the fun part: The Description (no joke)

Almost five years have passed since we last saw the mythical Hello Kitty Vibrator, a vibrating pink toy great for massaging away the day's stress. J-List is happy to annouce the glorious return of the official Hello Kitty Massager in its great new form, in six colors. This new Sanrio product features Japan's most famous feline dressed in a horse (Weird and WTF) "kigurumi" (full head and body costume) with a cute oversized head, a petite( just threw up in my mouth), stick like body and 7 (seriously you fuckers are weird) small rounded studs that are located at the bottom. Blah Blah Blah has a keychain snap it on a backpack, oh and this is a great piece of rare japanese cute culture that is a must have for all Japanophiles (WWTTFF).

Bottom line this is a vibrator, if it was a shoulder massager it wouldn't be under ADULT TOYS.

People are standing by while Hello Kitty is being violated and its wrong.

I think Japan sex culture is weird, and I am not afraid to say it. I don't understand why they want to screw adult size precious moment dolls but they do. It's called Anime and its weird. People screwing cartoon characters. UHHHHH okay. How does a japanese wife compete with that for role play.

Side Note: This blog does not promote cartoon porn. However if you are a cartoon screwing, Japonophiles, thanks for stopping in to say hi!

Help me, Help you, Help me.

.02 Tuesday

Currently I look at 53 blogs a day, obsessive I know. What sucks is that for the past 3 weeks half of these have a dark knight pic/post on them. Alright already is all I have to say. Stop the freaking insanity.

Secondly, Olympic posts. I can appreciate a little Olympian update. But if you have more then 4 posts on your front page about Olympics, change your damn name.

Finally, so that I am on the record. I don't like McCain, Hillary or Obama. I think they all suck, I think our country is so screwed right now. Where the hell is Kinky when you need him.

Team Work

I can't stand it. I need help with a pic for my "it shouldn't be this hard pic." I know its Monday and I shouldn't be making you guys work so hard. But somebody help me out. With this being said. Beggars can be choosers, its my fucking blog.

No broken scale pics, no shhhhh pics and no freaking eye pics. Oh and the winner gets a prize so just start sending the pics.

Side Note: Go AHEAD and search for "help" under Yahoo Images.

I am pretty sure this is a scam.....

so prove me wrong. I was over at CFL, and on her site was this nifty little I am a snapdragon thing. So I clicked on it, took the little test. So were both Snapdragons???? Why am I so skeptical, I don't like ads and I don't like promoting shit where I have to put in a code. SO, if anyone takes the test and is something other than a boring ass snapdragon please let me know.

For the dumb people: Snapdragon is a flower!!!!!!!!

Here is what mine said:

You are a freaking Snapdragon and: "Mischief is your middle name, but your first is friend (GAY). You are quite the prankster (gay again) that loves to make other people laugh."

It just shouldn't be this hard.

No fancy pic. 

So, I guess in some sick twisted way, I got what I deserved. Back on 7/31 I posted about my broke scale, oh yeah funny freaking post. What I haven't told you is that since then I have been weighing myself. As of Saturday Morning I had lost 18 lbs, woohoo breakup weight. So this weekend I was admiring my flat stomach and patting my skinny ass on the back.

Here's where Homer, I mean X steps in. Sunday Morning. Hey I think the scale is broke. No the scale isn't broke I have lost 18 lbs its working fine. X says, no I am pretty sure its broke, and I am going to get a new battery(insert rolling of the eyes here). 

Well I am living proof of Karma. We have two scales one that says I weigh 18 lbs less, and now one with a new battery that says the same damn weight it has always said. So does this mean the scale is still broke because of his big ass. 

I give up, screw the x and screw the scales. 

Side Note: If you are trying to figure out the point here, there isn't one. I am just saying I am a fat ass with 2 broke scales instead of one.

Was it as good for you.

Well I hoped you liked our little mini separation. Did it make things clearer in your head. Did you get out your blog pro/con list. I didn't want it to go down like this. I know 4 blogs in one day was a lot and when you said "hey my employer is starting to get suspicous", I listened. This morning I have a whole new outlook on the situation, so don't expect me to just up and give everyone a "just a girl" blog break again. I mean its a little too soon to be asking for space don't you think.

No the cat doesn't have shit to do with post, and no I did nothing exciting this weekend. No sex, no drugs and no rock and roll. Instead it was filled with, Kool-Aid (hey economy), Tetris, fajitas and Hello Kitty UNO. Yes, to your next question. I do own Hello Kitty UNO and I do make my son play it. I also won, I can't help it really I always do.

My son, told me on Sunday that he really needed to just relax for a day. Sure son, because the stress of  waking up at 3:30 and playing all day for the past 3 months has to be killing you. Get the fuck out of here, what the hell is this world coming to. He kills me, let me show you stress.

Well If I showed you guys stress, I wouldn't have anything to talk about later. This is going to be a fun week, so Happy Monday to all.

Creepy Ass Bastards.

I know 4 posts in a day, get over it. 

Yahoo is seriously scarring me for life, and I am not even joking. Let me warn you ahead of time, don't do as I do. Just take my fucking word for it. Daily I type my posts and then I go on my pic hunt. Earlier this week I searched eye under images, I was shocked at the first page of pics. Now, you may already think I am bit dramatic (its fair), but what I saw freaked me the hell out. I am not going to tell you that I saw an eyeball in a hand because that would just be wrong. But I will tell you that my eye search was over before it ever got started.

Tonight for my post below, I decide to go look for a shhh pic. Simple enough until you see image after image of people before you with one finger in front of their mouths. This would be fine if these were palmolive fingers. But they arent!!!! They are creepy bony, skinny, scary ass fingers. The bad part is that once you hone in on the fingers the whole pic becomes creepy. Yes this means the kids, with their creepy ass sausage fingers, also become creepy. 

So thank you Mr. yahoo image search man- You have scarred me for life.

Our Dirty Little Secret.

I love that my mom and I have this secret. There is something about no one knowing who I am that makes me cackle (and I mean cackle) when I log into this blog.  So the rest of the story from my fryday post: you know the threesome part. Nemesing one responded to a post my mom put on his blog and it mentioned a threesome. Thats not the funny part! The funny part is what she actually posted. 

 anonymous said..

I have been reading ur blog ever since u posted to my daughter's blog, just a girl. I have to tell u I really LOVE the way u think.

I am one of those paranoid black helicopter over 50 blog impaired grew up in the 70's kind of folk so I post annoymously. 

Life is good when you can keep an open mind and an open heart.

Keep them coming and I will view from afar.

Signed,

idamomb

Let me just tell you that my mom didn't even want to comment on my blog at first. For fear of spam/phone calls or IT guys. And tonight when I read "paranoid black helicopter:", I pretty much spit beer all over myself.

Side Note: This was supposed to have a shhh... pic on it. For further information please see above.

Fry Day

Did you get it, Fry Day. Yeah I know its cheesy but its my blog. 

My mom is fucking funny. She calls me tonight to discuss my new blog buddies. The conversation starts out with Man Overboard, honey is he married. Next I get to hear about The Nemesing One, wanting a threesome. I get warned that Dan da Man might be a serial killer (this because my first comment from him went like this "do you want a broken arm or a broken leg, I could do either". Comment Man on Man Overboard's blog is a lurker and a pervert, LOL. Finally the "ladies crack her up".

We ended with the post that still cracks me the hell up. The barbie post. I haven't laughed that hard all week.

Last but not least, I want to set the record straight. I had a crush on Man Overboard first, so please beware all readers as he is now at stalker status.

Side Note: No I am not Man Overboard in Drag. Secondly, I kicked some link ass today. And so you know, had I not already named my post, the new name would be LinkAss.

Side Note #2: Don't act like you didn't click on threesome, LMAO....

Hook Em'

The one thing I love to do in  the fall besides poker, sushi and sex (yes in that order) is Football. August 30th is the date my friends, Longhorn Football. Yes I am a simple Texan, but I live for this shit! I want to chug beer and slap assess. I want to loose my voice and sport hot Texas T-shirts. Bring it, I am ready! Sorry I am excited, maybe a little too excited right nemesing one.

On to bigger and better things. Why is it that men don't complain about a women spending $75 on a brazilian, yet they bitch about spending $25 on a hair cut. I know the obvious but its still ridiculous. Metrosexual much. Men need to get there hair styled not cut! My 13 year old is starting school in 3 weeks and I actually had this argument with my X and my stepdad. I think $50 to $65 for a HAIRSTYLE is reasonable. Tell me I am wrong, I dare you!

Psycho thought of the day: I realized while sweeping tonight, that sweeping is probably one of the main causes for lack of sex in a relationship. When a women sweeps the floor, it pure fury. Forget about all the times she said get a napkin, or hey asshole don't wipe the counter crap onto the floor. With every crumb I swept tonight I heard the little guy on my shoulder say "Yeah that fucker is making this real easy isn't he". Then on my other shoulder (you know the guy in white) he was saying "Use the broom, take the bitch out". Seriously I am glad I got this out, thanks for that.

Side Note: I really love my side notes. My Tylenol Party awaits me, Night.

Tin Truths

1. My mom is my best friend

2. I don't like to wear panties

3. I don't like fried chicken, but I do like it cold.

4. Having my son saved my life

5. I could eat sushi for every meal

6. I did inhale

7. I don't want anymore kids, not even with a nanny

8. Willie Nelson is my hero

9. I am afraid of the dark

10. I will be a professional poker player.

Flip Flop Philosophy

For the past two weeks I have been trying to come up with a new title for my blog. Partly because of my analness (yes I know that isn't a word) and partly because of comments. People emailing me saying Just A Girl isn't catchy enough. 

I didn't go to college and I don't use big words in my blog. Tonight I sit here and I am 37 days single, and I am okay with that. I started this blog because I was sad, and I wanted an outlet. A place for me, a place I can go and say whatever the fuck I want. I read a lot of other blogs. They make  me laugh, cry and sometimes they just annoy the hell out of me. But they let me realize that I am Just A Girl.

Nothing profound to say, not always funny, not always politically correct. So I decided that if I changed my title I wouldn't be true to my newly blogging self. Therefore I have named this post what I was going to rename my blog. Flip Flop Philosophy (yes I know its catchy). 

I am a just a girl, I have a heart, I have a mom, I have a son, and now I have my blog.

Now I am going to go have a bowl of lucky charms, because I can.

Side Note: Maybe I should have named this deep thoughts, nah that just sounds dirty. Night!

Per my mom

I am not being politically correct. Yes she knows more about blogging then I do, yet she has no blog. Tonight she calls me to let me know that I need to be commenting on comments. I explain to her that I do in emails and other peoples blog.

Apparently I don't know WTF I am doing. So I apologize in advance for not commenting correctly. Moving forward I will comment on the comments page. 

Side Note: Number of times I used comment in this post 5 numbers of times it felt like I used comment 50 number of times i have actually used comment now 7.

Welcome to my life

No, I am not a stepford wife who walks around and tells everyone how great their kid is. But my kid is funny as hell. So last night I am watching Harold and Kumar, my son walks in on the part where Kumar is masturbating and appears to get some liquid from said masturbation on his face. My son freaks out and screams, "OOOOOOOOHHHHHH man, sick, jesus mom what are you watching, oh god, mom that is just sick he just got Spermed".

Now for all you freaks out there, I wasn't watching porn, not even close. However, when he said "spermed" I laughed until my stomach hurt. The whole time he was saying, "okay mom fine, what do adults call it", which just made me laugh even more. 

Money, Money, Money,

My cats are lazy bastards!

My X is pissing me off more and more daily. He broke up with me, yet the other night he says to me do you think we can afford this break-up. Yea I think we can afford this break-up, and you need to get the fuck out.

I think its weird that we call our toes, toes. I mean what do we have, a toe and then 4 little toes. It doesn't make any sense. I mean we don't call our finger's thumbs! Anyhow my third TOE is bloody and I don't know how or why.

Do Hangovers really improve you vision? Don't act like you don't know what I am talking about, because you do.

Nutri-grain blueberry waffles have a crazy ass waxy taste to them. Definitely should not have bought them.

Hey Fucker, I still don't like Ramen. I still think it stinks. I know I am just a BJ(bitter and jaded) bitch, and its probably unreasonable for me to expect you to know that after 3 YEARS!

I know man-overboard is married and all, but I think I am in love with him. Okay maybe just in love with his blog. His barbie post had me freaking cracking up just about all day yesterday.

I freaking love flip flops I wear them year round. This is probably why my toe is bloody.

Seriously

How about inventing vent switches for short girls. Better yet, if you want to know how short people exercise, get a broom and do this. Get on your knees then take your broom and try to open your vent with the end of the broom. If after 2 minutes you are cussing the broom and sweating, then you are doing the exercise right. Bastards.

Goldfish Rock!

I never really understood beavis and buthead. Actually understood is an understatement, I hate that show. But after living with X for 3 years,  and having a son whose 13 now, I can somewhat relate. Men are retarded. The whole ouch, ouch thing was never funny  before. But this weekend X took a bite of son's noodles and while he was holding the bowl of noodle freaking soup, the idiot said like 5 times. Man this is hot, next he takes a bite, burns the back of his throat, then acts shocked that he just burned himself. Jesus, DUH. I don't care about X's throat. I do care about my perfect sweet 13 year old mini-man. Who proceeded to do the exact same thing. And yes acts shocked that he get burned too. 

I have decided that I've been blogging enough days now, to list my 3 pet peeves about blogs.

1. ads- I know at some point I will put ad's on (I guess). But I think more then 10 ads on a blog is freaking insanity. It actually makes my eyes feel like they are at a casino. Last I checked there were no eye casinos so thats not very good. 

2.Long Ass Blogs- I don't mean your Monday blog, or your story blogs so chill the hell out. I am talking about those people who only post twice a week and when they do. They want to tell you everything, I don't mind scrolling its pretty simple to do. But if your one blog goes to the end of one page. WOW. cant't do it.

3. Word Verification- I think this one is funny. One of the first comments on my blog was to remove my word verification. At the time I thought the guy was pretty serious so I removed it. Now I know better, its there for spam. But word verification does make me feel like I am old and retarded. I can't see the damn letters, so everytime my eyes are about half an inch from the screen. Then when I do type the number in that box, 9 times out of 10 I have to redo. Hence the fact that I am Retarded. If anyone knows how to add the word thing, that actually says words please let me know. 

Saturday at the bar a guy sat down next to me and said. "Hey Mama, you want some of this?" I replied "Hell no, and buddy you lost me at Mama!"

If someone gave you an off the wall one liner this weekend, please share it.

Side Note: Don't ever do a search for "EYE" under yahoo images. I did this morning, and I am now pretty much scarred for life.

We Suck!

Well that didn't work! Shit.

Dear Linda, Ken and rpm,

Apparently you are the only ones that know how to pick numbers. So go buy your own damn lottery ticket.

Thanks,

justagirl

Numbers are in

37-53-11-33-8-16

2-15-55-6-8-30

27-9-4-44-14-16 (the last two didn't leave there numbers so there number is there comment place) I know I am anal get over it.

37-18-30-24-13-2

37- The first number

18- Day of my first post

30- Days Single

24- Number of comments

13-My sons age

2- Last number

Good Luck, I will probably be too buzzed to remember to check later. However, I will update in the morn. CYA I have to go kick some poker ass right now.

Happy Saturday

Today at 5:00 pm, I will be buying the tickets 

so keep the numbers coming.

Man! Are you guys trying to jinx us. 

Or are you bastards just not reading my post. 

I buy you fly

For anyone interested: tomorrow I am going to win the lottery. I know this is pretty egotistical of me but its the freaking truth. 

I am going to win the lottery, and do everything on my "ten things before I die list".

Here's the deal. I will buy a lottery ticket for tomorrow's lottery (estimated 21 freaking million) with everyone else's numbers. 

No I don't want the crappy six numbers you have played every day for a year. I just want you to give me one number. I will by as many lottery tickets as I have numbers. ie, 6 people= 1 lottery ticket.

This blog will be your proof and you will get a fair share of the earnings. It's Friday lets see what happens. I will be purchasing these at 5:00 pm Texas Time, August 2nd 2008!

Side Note: I am a bad-ass poker player with great karma and luckier than a leprechaun.

It is what it is

I get that it's summer. I get that I live in a kid friendly neighborhood. I also understand parents wanting to shove their kids out the doors as early as possible.

Here is what I don't get.

Why are the kids at these lemonade/snack/hey come by my crappy ass koolaid stand, always HEATHENS. I am not just talking about barefoot, I am talking about koolaid mouth, orange cheeto fingered heathens. 

No, I don't want to buy $0.10 koolaid out of a dirty dixie cup covered in cheeto remnants. I also am smart enough to know that you don't really want $0.10 you want a dollar. You are not a wholesale koolaid broker. Chances are you barely have change for $0.25. I also don't want to hear you wailing koolaid for a 5 hour period. Here are some things to help you, help your kid in his entrepreneurship.

1. Raise the price of the damn koolaid 

2. Show them how to flag down effectively (screaming when my car window is up, isn't working)

3. Set expectations- standing out there at 2pm in the afternoon is only going to get you sunburn

4. Have products for your target market- like jello shots, jager bombs, or cold beer on ice.

5. Let the cool, clean kid do the talking.

Just my $0.02!